Sometimes the sky's too bright
by Pforte
Summary: Remus has to forgive Sirius for the Shrieking Shack incident but things are not as easy as they seem, Sirius is not the only one to blame and there is more than one thing to forgive. postprank MWPP. Slash RemusSirius. Complete.
1. his telling burns

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and consequently belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything remotely related to Dylan Thomas' poem _Sometimes the sky's too bright_ either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Note:** This story is strongly inspired by Dylan Thomas' poem _Sometimes the sky's too bright_, which is why all chapters and their titles will more or less directly allude to the poem. Yes, there will be more chapters. Many thanks to my beta readers.

* * *

**Sometimes the sky's too bright**

_chapter one: his telling burns_

_Sometimes the sky's too bright,  
Or has too many clouds or birds,  
And far away's too sharp a sun  
To nourish thinking of him.  
Why is my hand too blunt  
To cut in front of me  
My horrid images for me,  
Of over-fruitful smiles,  
The weightless touching of the lip  
I wish to know  
I cannot lift, but can,  
The creature with the angel's face  
Who tells me hurt,  
And sees my body go  
Down into misery?  
No stopping. Put the smile  
Where tears have come to dry.  
The angel's hurt is left;  
His telling burns._

"Won't she get suspicious?"

"Of course she will, Peter," answers Sirius rather impatiently.

"She's known us for over six years," adds James, folding the map carefully.

"Well, how do we do it then?" Peter looks puzzled. He is always a little slow on the uptake. Not that he is stupid, he most certainly isn't. But he hangs around the smartest boys of his year, who are also gleefully aware of that, and Remus feels sorry for him.

"Prongs, will you explain the plan to Wormtail? _Again_. I'm tired of saying everything twice," Sirius says in his most patronising voice. His right hand cuts the air rapidly and precisely, underlining his indignation before he slumps back against the headboard. Planning a prank means gathering around and on James' bed. Remus is sitting at the foot, his lanky legs folded rather uncomfortably. James has the Map and is enthroned in the middle while Peter is sitting on the floor, arms folded on the bed, chin resting on his arms.

"OK, it's really quite simple. On Halloween, McGonagall will expect us to do something, so we'll give her…_something_."

"The pudding," Remus provides helpfully when Peter doesn't react to James' expectantly raised eyebrow and knowing smile.

"Oh, the pudding!" Peter finally understands. Good for him. Sirius, who is sprawled in the shadows of the curtains, can apparently hardly suppress a sneer.

"Speaking of pudding, I'm starving," moans James melodramatically.

"We just had dinner," remarks Remus because someone has to.

Before James can put on his usual show, gesturing wildly on the bed, so that everyone will see why James Potter needs extra food whenever he feels like it, Sirius snickers, "Prongs exhausted himself by smiling at his one true love. Honestly, one day your face will freeze and you'll look like a moron for the rest of your life."

He has a point. James spends an awful lot of time grinning and smiling at Lily, ever since they became Head Boy and Girl. While Remus can't hide a grin, James slaps Sirius' knee and is probably secretly pleased to have another opportunity to talk about Lily.

"She smiled back, I swear she did!"

"She did," agrees Peter.

"Yeah, I found you highly amusing, too," teases Sirius. It earns him a kick against his shin. He immediately starts cackling and James kicks him once more. Sirius looks at him briefly, grey eyes filled with mad laughter, and Remus can't help but notice the weight his friend has lost over the last couple of months. The harder contours suit him, he looks older and has gained a haggard beauty that makes the girls go nuts. It shouldn't be that way.

"She is just so beautiful," James' voice cuts into his train of thoughts. He sighs.

"Yeah, we know," Sirius sighs in the exact same way.

"You're only jealous."

"So, who's up to a kitchen raid?" Peter's chubby face is flushed with anticipation.

"You tosser really have to ask?" James is already moving and rolls off the bed with surprising elegance. Peter jumps and looks expectantly from Remus to Sirius.

"Nah, you go ahead," says Sirius and stretches slowly, reminding Remus of a cat, something he wouldn't tell him…ever. One of his socks has a hole at the heel.

"Oh, come on, Padfoot, éclairs!" exclaims James and Remus sees the tiny frown between his eyebrows only because he knows it's there. He also knows that James worries about his best friend and his lack of appetite, though it's more of a symptom than the illness itself. Remus knows that James knows that it has to do with him. Yes, James is very knowledgeable. That's why he adds, "Moony is coming too, eh Moony?"

Remus opens his mouth but, _how stupid of him_, his gaze flickers over to Sirius. Grey eyes are piercing into his and Sirius' whole face is commanding him to stay right where he is.

"Sorry, I'm knackered," he answers, tearing his eyes away and looking apologetically at James. This time, everyone can see the frown.

"Fine," is James' indignant reply. He doesn't approve at all but he snatches the Map and heads to the door all the same. Remus doesn't approve either and he has absolutely no idea why he does this to both of them. All of them. "We won't bring you anything," threatens James half-heartedly from the door. Remus shrugs.

"Merlin, I could eat a pig," rings Peter's voice from the staircase before the door closes behind them with a deafening click.

"If he doesn't watch out, he'll look like one, too," scoffs Sirius nastily. Remus bites back any remarks of his own and the expected gloomy silence falls over the room, all too familiar though it still hurts every bloody time.

"Moony--"

"As I said, I'm tired. 'm going to the bathroom," mumbles Remus, eager to get away.

"Would you stop this already? Fuck!" Sirius sits up and candlelight falls on his face. It's jaded and wan and his eyes are shining all too bright.

"Stop what?" asks Remus, voice insultingly indifferent. His bare feet meet the wooden floor and it feels real and good to have a ground to stand on.

Sirius doesn't have a fit of temper, he just stares at Remus as if he is too exhausted to do anything else. "You know what," he whispers meekly.

"I accepted your apology."

"You haven't forgiven me."

Remus is tired of this game, equally tired of these silences and wearisome talks. Sometimes he is tired of Sirius. He eyes the boy, who he still and despite everything considers his friend, wearily and tries to see him for what he really is. Casually cruel Sirius with his sensuous mouth and wicked smile, looking vulnerable and honest and tired, oh so tired, too.

"I forgave you," Remus says weakly.

Sirius snorts. "Then what's this shit?" he asks and makes an encompassing gesture with his arms. His wrists are thinner than Remus remembers, but then, he hasn't paid attention for a long time.

Remus feels his anger rising and that's familiar, too. He tries to swallow it down but he hardly ever succeeds these days. It feels like he's been angry for months and suddenly he realises that he _really_ has been and that it's been five months since Sirius went madder than usual and sent Snape to the Shack. Five months.

But his betrayal, well, he has forgiven Sirius for that. Thinking ahead has never been his strength and has got him into trouble more than once. It's also the knowledge that Sirius doesn't fear him, not even during the full moon, and that this is the reason he never thought of him as a weapon, that made Remus lenient almost immediately. Sirius apologised for weeks and though very practised from years of apologising in front of various teachers, Remus knows that he meant it. He knows _Sirius_, knows his fears and quirks, his dreams and desires. Desires. Seeing Sirius' lips pressed into a thin line reminds him of things he wants to forget, things that were not supposed to happen, ever.

"Padfoot, would you stop doing that already?" Remus asked. Sirius looked up and grinned, not stopping to crack his knuckles.

"_Does it bother you?" Sirius cocked his head and pursed his lips with mock concern. "I'll stop if it does. Anything for our Moonykins." _

_They were alone in the dorm, both sprawling on Remus' bed. He always felt supine and feeble before the moon was full and spent the afternoon in bed. Dreading the transformation more than anything, he was paralysed with fear and so Sirius wasn't a wholly unwelcome distraction. Despite the knuckles. Sirius rolled over, resting his head on Remus' thigh, looking up at him and batting his eyelashes. _

_Remus couldn't help but smile at Sirius' antics. "Sirius, you don't have to be here. Go and wreak havoc with Prongs if you're bored. McGonagall seems worried because you didn't get a single detention this week."_

"_Nonsense," said Sirius, flittering his hand. His nails were bit down since he had left home, which often was the only indicator that something wasn't right, that he was upset and hurt. A Black didn't talk about family business or so Remus presumed, knowing only one. He eyed his friend carefully. Sirius looked nervous or as close as humanly possible for a boy who didn't know the meaning of uncertainty. Too reckless and too beautiful for his own good. _

"_Moony," Sirius suddenly said in a strange voice and wet his lips. Remus' heart flattered in his chest and his palms got sweaty. _He_ knew the meaning of nervousness. _

"_Yeah," Remus answered, not knowing but feeling what this was about, dreading the truth almost more than the disappointment if he didn't... _

_He did. All of a sudden, Sirius was close, too close not to glimpse the mad glimmer in his eyes, and seeing his stubble in close-up, trivial as it was, startled Remus. "Moony," Sirius repeated, his voice urgent and thick with need. Remus didn't remember how it happened and he tried not to think about it but somehow, and inexplicably so, Sirius' lips were pressed against his and he felt hot breath against his skin. His lips were dry and trembled slightly and Remus wondered for a blissfully irrational moment whether Sirius knew about being nervous after all. A tongue, hot and persistent and _in his mouth _reminded him of what was happening. _

_Sirius was kissing him and, though certain parts of his body screamed hallelujah, his brain considered this the opportune moment to let out a protesting hmphing sound and draw back. His ears were ringing as he stared at Sirius and Sirius stared right back. He looked very kissable with his moist lips and shining eyes, and Remus couldn't find his bloody voice to bloody say something intelligent or anything at all. Why on earth did this happen when he was feeling like an old, threadbare towel? _

_Sirius was still silent, which was always a dangerous sign, and all Remus could do was avoid his gaze. Yes, the canopy looked very interesting indeed. _

"_Are you going to say something?" Sirius' voice was tense as it finally broke the silence and it burned its way into Remus' insides. He tried, he really tried but nothing came out when he opened his mouth. Remus' eyes flickered over to where his friend was sitting, only inches away, and he saw so many conflicting emotions that it made him dizzy. _

"_Fine." Sirius looked hurt, sounded hurt, moved as if he was, too. _

_When the door closed behind him, Remus whispered, "I'm sorry," into the empty room. And he was, _he was_. For the rest of the day, his lips burned and he felt stupid and weak and cowardly and most of all sorry for Sirius, the missed chance and himself. He was even more sorry when he woke up the next morning and learned what Sirius had done. _

"I forgave you what you apologised for," says Remus quietly and looks away. The memory hurts, even after all these months but he is determined to conquer this.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asks Sirius edgily. The wood in the stove bursts under the heat and the familiar noise reverberates in the tense silence. Remus snaps.

He turns to Sirius and hisses, "It means that I forgave you your fucking thoughtlessness, alright! The other thing – I can't. I just can't."

Sirius pales visibly. "No, Remus, it had _nothing_ to do with that."

"Oh really? So it's just coincidence that it happened on the same day?"

"For fuck's sake, yes!"

Remus looks at him for a long moment. "I don't believe you."

"Then don't! I'm not a liar, never was, but if you prefer thinking of it as some kind of twisted revenge for…," Sirius takes a deep, hollow breath, "I can't convince you anyway, can I?"

"Perhaps it wasn't revenge. Because it didn't mean anything." The moment the words are out Remus knows that he is trying to provoke Sirius, trying to make him explain. He is pathetic but he has to know, it's been on his mind for too long.

"_Not anything_? You're bonkers, Lupin, if you think that." Sirius cuts the words out like he would slice some particularly nasty roots in Potions.

Remus rubs his forehead. "Does it matter? I--" His voice trails off at the sound of footsteps in the staircase. James and Peter are back. "I'm in the bathroom," he says quickly and slips away. When the heavy wooden door closes behind him, a sob of relief and frustration escapes him. He presses his lips together until they hurt. In the mirror, they are a white line. He shakes his head and mechanically brushes his teeth and has a quick wash. When he returns a quarter of an hour later, Sirius and James are sitting on the broad windowsill next to Sirius' bed, whispering conspiratorially. Peter is sprawled on is bed and stuffs his face with éclairs.

"Want one?" munches Peter. His bed is covered in crumbs.

"No, thanks. I just brushed my teeth." Remus smiles at him because he knows what it's like to be left out. James and Sirius have always been James and Sirius despite the fact that they're all the Marauders. Remus climbs into his bed and draws the curtains shut. No matter from what angle he looks at it, his life is fucked up. For the first time in months he asks himself whether that's at least partly his own fault.

* * *

"Wake up, you wankers!" James' voice penetrates his morning cosiness like a sledgehammer. Remus turns and hides under his pillow. Five more minutes won't kill him. 

"Moony, we've important business to attend. Get out or I'll get _you_!" says James too cheerfully by far.

"Goway!" mumbles Remus defiantly from under his pillow and tries to worm himself deeper into the snug warmth.

"Padfoot, you awake yet? Peter?"

"Potter, shut your mouth or I'll do it for you," Sirius' voice cuts through the room. "Being like that in the morning – it's not normal!"

"Yeah, you know all about normal, right," teases James and the low thump tells Remus that he just flopped on Sirius' bed.

"You had better run. I'll put as Silencing charm on you as soon as I find my wand."

"Yeah, whatever. I'll write notes to you in class anyway," grins James. Another thumping sound announces that Sirius' pillow just met James Potter's face.

"Tosser!"

"At least I get some action," smirks Sirius. Remus feels the blood rush into very inappropriate places at the mere thought of – no, he won't think about it! With an indignant sniff, he throws back the blanket and dives through the curtain.

"Ah, Moony's up!" exclaims James, who is still sitting on Sirius' bed and has no clue that his words have a painful and embarrassing double meaning. His black hair is unruly as usual and his glasses are askew from the pillow attack. Sirius looks knackered, as if he hasn't slept well.

Remus shakes his head, "Not a word, Prongs, before I've taken a shower." And with that he shuffles into the bathroom.

* * *

Breakfast is a farce. James and Peter stuff themselves with porridge, toast and bacon as usual, while Sirius and Remus are both playing with their toast. Considering their argument last night, Remus slept surprisingly well. They had been close to _something_ but now it's over and Remus is trying to be content but fails miserably. He hates being vengeful. It's time for a change. 

"Moony, you still with us? I asked you whether you have your Runes essay ready," says James. A drop of porridge is clinging to his lower lip and he looks so droll that Remus has to grin.

"Yeah, sure. Sorry, I was thinking…about the plan," he lies. After nearly seven years with the Marauders, Remus can cook up the most plausible stories off the cuff.

James grins back but says, "Eat some toast first, mate."

"You're not his mother," states Sirius and drinks his Pumpkin juice in one go.

"Remus, mind if I had a look at your Astronomy chart?" Peter asks before James can retort.

"No, not at all."

A bright laugh from further down the table catches James' attention. Lily. Remus has to admit that she is very pretty, almost beautiful. Her friend Alice must have told her something funny because Lily is still laughing and James, well, James is still staring. Remus knows that it's not hopeless business, not anymore. James is persistent and Lily can't help but notice him, his easy smile, his casual charm and hard-to-ignore humour and brilliance. James Potter is a lucky bloke.

"Could you give me the chart after breakfast? And what about the plan?" asks Peter eagerly.

"Relax, Wormtail! Ten days left," replies Sirius with annoyance. Remus looks from Peter to Sirius and back to James, whose eyes are still focussed on the redhead. Lily has noticed him and flashes him a short smile. Sometimes Remus envies James for his ability to ignore all odds. He will finally win his fair lady's hand and they will live happily ever after. All his dreams are about survival and employment and Remus feels unglamorous and boring.

"For Merlin's sake, Potter, can you stop ogling Evans for a minute?" enquires Sirius in that edgy voice he always gets when it comes to Lily Evans and Head Boy duties, things he cannot share with James. Remus notices a tiny smile in the corner of Peter's mouth but shrugs it off. They have all been cruel on occasion.

"Have you noticed that Kennicot has been looking over for at least ten minutes? What is he playing at?" Remus can't help being grateful for Peter's repeated attempts to keep James and Sirius from going ballistic. He doesn't fully understand why they are so angry at _each other_ but then, Sirius seems to be on edge all the time and James may be tired of it.

Hooting and loud flapping announces the arrival of the post. A school owl delivers a small parcel from his parents. Remus unwraps it and finds a letter and two quills.

"I told you, I'd replace them," says Sirius, looking sullenly at the quills. He broke three of Remus' new ones on the Hogwarts Express.

"Don't be silly. There is no Hogsmeade weekend before the end of November," replies Remus.

"You could have skipped a few assignments and blamed it on me," Sirius tries with a weak smile.

"I could've but where would that leave you? I know you're fond of McGonagall but I really thought that didn't include her classroom," grins Remus and suddenly realises that he doesn't pretend anymore. Sirius gives him a curious look and when Remus doesn't stop smiling, his whole face lightens up.

"What's up with you?" Peter looks blankly at the beaming boy next to him.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing," answers Sirius cheerfully and steals James' toast.

Somehow, looking at Sirius devouring the toast in two bites, his eyes gleaming as though he had an early Christmas, makes Remus feel like himself again. Punishing his friends had long lost the grim pleasure he felt for weeks after the accident and now he realises how much he has been punishing himself.

"What did your parents write?" asks Peter, still looking rather bewildered.

"Oh. Oh, I don't know," admits Remus and opens the letter. His father's scrawly hand tells him about a new potion that is being developed and asks him to be careful at the full moon. Remus loses his smile. He loves his parents very much but these letters make him feel guilty, remind him that his father spends all his time looking for a cure.

"Another one of those, eh?" James has obviously stopped stalking Lily with his eyes. Remus shrugs and puts parcel and letter into his bag.

"Nooooooo," a girl on the Ravenclaw table wails. In her trembling hands there is a letter with the broken seal of the Ministry.

"Shit, not another attack," curses James and gets up. The girl looks very young, she cannot be more than a second year. Lily is already talking to one of the Ravenclaw Prefects when James arrives at the table.

"Well, Ancient Runes in ten minutes. We had better get going," says Sirius, apparently unmoved by the girl's misery. At Remus' and Peter's incredulous looks he only shrugs and adds, "For all I know it could have been my cousin, right? What am I supposed to do? Feel sorry for that girl? Apologise that I didn't drown Bella when she was fourteen and I had the chance?" His jaws are working angrily as he stands up, gathers his bag and stalks down the Great Hall.

"Breakfast went rather well, don't you think?" says Remus to no-one in particular.

* * *

"Moony, wait!" calls James' voice after him. His footsteps reverberate through the empty corridor Remus is patrolling. Remus stops in his tracks and waits for James to catch up with him. 

"Forgot anything I'm supposed to steal from Slughorn's stash?"

James shakes his head. "Nah, this is…erm, rather personal."

"Oh dear, not Lily again? I told you I'd never write you a piece of poetry in my li--"

"Shut up, it's not about you scribbling anything," James cuts him off. The torches throw shadows against the walls and James, whose expression is unreadable for once.

"What is it about then?" asks Remus when James doesn't say anything else.

James runs a hand through his hair and shuffles his feet a little nervously. "You…and Sirius."

"Oh." Remus' stomach sinks.

"Look, I left you alone in this because…well, it was your business. And now you seem to have forgiven him, I mean _really_ forgiven him. I'm glad you have, Moony, I am…just," James looks uncomfortable at this, "I just want to make sure that you mean it."

Remus is dumbfounded. Having this conversation in an empty corridor in the middle of the night, or at least after curfew, is downright bizarre. Especially because James has not tried to reconcile them before, has not interfered at all, only frowned a lot.

"Erm…"

"No, I don't want you to get this the wrong way. Sirius fucked up big time, we all agree on that."

"You hit him," says Remus.

James eyes him carefully through his glasses. "I did and he deserved it. But…well, I've never seen him so downcast than over the last couple of months. Not even after he left Grimmauld Place. I just…are you sure it's all good now?"

"It will never be _all good_. It happened," says Remus quickly and he can't help feeling annoyed. So James is only worried about Sirius.

James nods slowly and sighs. "I know. But we're all friends and friends do forgive each other, right?" He strolls over to the wall and leans casually against it. "You said you did ages ago but I'm not stupid. You two stopped talking as soon as Pete and I weren't there." Remus opens his mouth to protest but James keeps talking. "I'm not saying that you were wrong. If this helped you to get over it…Padfoot isn't made of glass. But you know how he takes rejection from any of us. He never talked about you, you know, but he has missed you a lot. And he really regrets it. Fuck, Moony, you've seen him! He's only skin and bones. Look, all I'm trying to say is…mean it this time, yes?" James looks at him hopefully.

_Skin and bones._ Remus feels guilty and rightfully so. He won't tell James about the other betrayal but he should know that he isn't as petty as he appears to be.

"I do, OK? I mean it. It's just…you don't know the whole story and…it was a little more complicated than what you think. But it's alright now or…well, it will be," he says truthfully. James bestows a hesitant but genuine smile on him and pushes himself off the wall.

"Good man," James says and puts an arm around Remus' shoulders. "You see, it's our last year. What's going to happen to us after school if we don't stick together now?"

Well, James is right, of course he is. Remus has only three friends and he would do anything for them, at least he always prided himself in thinking so. But he risked their friendship, this special bond they have and this is almost as unforgivable as Sirius' betrayal. His friends, however, showed the utmost patience, even Sirius did. Shuddering at the thought of what he would be without them, Remus clears his throat.

"I was a stubborn brat, I know that."

"Yeah," grins James, "but then, you learned from the master."

Remus smiles in embarrassment at his own immaturity. James has a way of letting people see their mistakes without pissing them off.

"Heh, at least you're not Snivelly. He's probably still busy swearing bloody vengeance in twenty years time." James is still grinning and pats him on the back. "You had better finish your round then."

"And steal the ingredients," adds Remus.

"Spoken like a true Marauder."

"Sometimes I worry."

"Too late, mate, too late. You're far gone," smirks James and turns to leave. "Oh, one last thing. What would Padfoot say if I stole his brush and replaced it with – say, Pete's singing comb?"

Remus chuckles at the thought of Sirius' face and the highly entertaining consequences. "I'd say you wouldn't find a quiet minute for the rest of the week but it's gonna be worth it."

"'course it is." James pulls out his wand. "_Lumos_! I almost tripped over Filch's damn cat on my way here. I'll make sure not to miss her on the way back." He cackles evilly, mock-salutes Remus and strides away.

Remus takes a deep breath and is surprised that it is easier now that guilt and anger are gone. James' plan is of course evil in itself since Sirius is the vainest boy at school. His hair is indeed gorgeous... _"Not anything? You're bonkers, Lupin, if you think that."_ Sirius' words invade his mind like unwelcome guests at wedding receptions and, strolling down the dark corridor, Remus reflects on their discussion from the evening before. He doesn't come very far.

Remus turns around a corner when he hears hushed voices. Hogwarts has a lot of students, who are mostly rule-abiding and therefore huddled together in their common rooms, but the curfew only induces a secret and, alas, forbidden nightlife. Slowly, Remus sneaks closer. He cannot be strict on his friends but he tries to do what is expected of a Prefect in regard to the rest of the school.

"Come now…don't…question?" Remus hears a male voice and he edges closer to one of the many unused classrooms at Hogwarts. The castle is just too damn big. "It's not as though I asked you for your soul's deepest secrets, eh?"

"Why don't you employ your mouth a little more beneficial for my sanity," says a voice that makes Remus stop in his tracks immediately. The door is ajar and, pressing close to the cold stone wall, Remus sees two shadows moving in the moonlit darkness.

"Do _any_ of your friends know about us?"

"Do any of yours? Don't be such a girl about it," snaps the boy that Remus could single out in every crowd.

"What the hell am I to you? A dirty secret?" asks the other boy angrily.

There is a tense silence before Sirius replies grimly, "Pain management."

"P-_pain management_? Oh, thank you very much, Black." There is a lot shuffling and one of the shadows moves to the door. Before he knows what he's doing, Remus backs off. Whatever he just overheard, he doesn't want to be caught by any of them and especially not by Sirius.

"Kennicot, wait!" he hears Sirius' voice. The shadow stops and so does Remus' breathing. So Peter had not made it up, Kennicot had been staring over to them this morning, or more precisely, staring at Sirius. Remus hears footsteps and a low thump as Sirius presses the other boy to the wall next to the door. A flash of panic sears Remus' guts and he almost tumbles. "I like you, I like what we're doing but I'm not boyfriend material."

"Not for me anyway."

"Tough."

"Let the fuck go of me, Black." They struggle in the darkness and Remus knows he has to go, wants to go, wants nothing more than to run, but he cannot move, can hardly breathe. After a few seconds that feel like hours, the fighting noises change, become something else entirely, and he hears the wet sounds of biting and kissing and everything goes black. He steadies himself against the wall and tries to breathe while he's listening to them, to Sirius snogging this boy he hardly ever noticed and it burns as much as his telling.

_…to be continued_

* * *

_Now that you read it, please take the time and _**review! **_Feedback will be hugged and glomped to death._


	2. where tears have come to dry

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and consequently belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything remotely related to Dylan Thomas' poem _Sometimes the sky's too bright_ either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

* * *

_chapter two: where tears have come to dry_

Sirius gasps into the darkness as he wakes to the feeling of a considerable weight on his feet. His first crazed thought is that James transformed into Prongs just for the fun of it but then he finds that he can still move and the smell isn't right either.

"James?" croaks Sirius into the dark and squints down the bed.

"Took you ages to wake up," complains his friend in a hushed voice.

"Whazza…what in Medusa's name are you doing here? It's the middle of the night!" Sirius yawns heartily and rubs the sleep from his eyes. It's only the second night he found peaceful sleep without agonising and guilt-ridden thoughts keeping him awake.

"Oh really? Now that you mention it…it _is_ rather dark," comes the sarcastic reply.

"Shuddup," groans Sirius and reaches through the curtains, fumbling for his wand on the bedstand. The air outside his curtained bed is noticeably cooler and Sirius shudders, sleep-befuddled as he is. He finds his wand and murmurs, "_Lumos!_" under his breath. Blinking a few times, he waits for his eyes to adjust.

"I couldn't sleep," says James abruptly. His hair is sticking in all directions and it is impossibly unrulier than normal.

"Why? You usually sleep like a bloody Mountain Troll in midwinter."

"It's Lily," answers James and Sirius sighs in exasperation. Why doesn't he have normal friends? "No, listen…she said _yes_. She'll go with me to Hogsmeade."

Sirius gapes at him. "That's in November! It's not even Hallow'een yet."

"I know. I asked her anyway and I didn't expect a yes," admits James.

Sirius snorts. "That's fucking hilarious. After years of stalking the poor girl you don't know what to do with her now that you wore her down?"

James glares at him. "So it appears. What if I mess it up?"

"Oh, you will," grins Sirius. "The question is why it couldn't wait till it's light out there?"

James huffs. "I thought you'd help me." Sirius stops grinning at the slightly desperate look in his best friend's eyes.

"What…what am I supposed to do?" asks James, looking decidedly panicky.

"Prongs, mate, you are aware that I dated exactly two girls in seven years, right? What kind of advice do you expect? I'd help you but I know as much as you do." Despite his intentions to be a good friend, it's still in the middle of the bloody night and Sirius is decidedly grumpy.

"Well, I…I thought your meetings with, er, Kennicot could count as dates." James blushes a deep crimson.

Sirius smirks. "Nah, except you expect Lily to suck you off on your first trip but I wouldn't count on that." He shakes with silent laughter at the look on James' face. Somehow he can't help feeling a little annoyed at James' ready acceptance of his…well, unusual preferences. When he told him, James only blinked and after looking at him for a whole minute or so he said that he had to take a walk. After two hours he came back and told him that he was OK with it as long as Sirius promised never to wank off to Peter or Snape. Sirius was too perplexed to hex him for that but stuffed his head into Peter's not-so-secret stash of strawberry tart. That was it. They never really talked about it again and Sirius doesn't push it. He knows it is alright; weird boy, that James Potter.

"But you've been meeting him for four weeks," says James reproachfully. As if it is Sirius' fault that he doesn't get any action. Honestly!

"So?" Sirius arches an eyebrow and is painfully aware that it will never be as perfect as Remus' expression of cynical amusement. Remus. Moony. Damn, he should never have kissed him in the first place. What had he been thinking? Kissing Remus, ridiculous really…and oh so tempting. He is truly the master of ruining things.

"That qualifies as dating in this universe," says James in a way he would explain things to a five-year-old.

"Maybe in yours, pussy boy," counters Sirius. "But it's not like that in mine. My universe and your universe will never meet. You know about straight lines, don't you?"

James snickers and Sirius kicks him, bumping his big toe painfully on the wooden board in the process. James drops onto his back and bursts into a fit of laughter.

"Could you two morons keep it down?" sounds Remus' sleepy voice from his bed.

"S-sorry, Moony," James gasps, holding his belly. Sirius is massaging his aching toe and glaring at the boy he really wants to murder right now.

"Go back to bed, Prongs, before I do something permanent to your bollocks."

James grins at him and wriggles his eyebrows before easing out of bed. The curtain falls behind him and leaves Sirius and his hurt toe alone. He hears James' bare feet tapping on the wooden floor, the sound of heavy drapery being moved and the squeaking of bedsprings when James flops into his bed. After a couple of minutes of shifting, grunting and yawning the room falls silent and Sirius falls back and pulls the blanket over himself.

His toe is pulsing dully with pain but he chooses to ignore it. Great, he is still awake and _thinking_. Is James right, does Kennicot expect them to be serious? Nah, he is a boy after all and Sirius was quite blunt about their little arrangement. James doesn't know what it's like with a boy. There doesn't have to be romance and butterflies, thank you very much. He sees Kennicot behind his closed eyes, his curly light brown hair, his blue eyes and rather round face and full lips. He looks like one of these Muggle angels he has seen once in a cheap replica at Lupins'. When round cheeks narrow down and lose colour, blue eyes become a deep brown and lips grow thinner, Sirius squeezes his eyes shut until the blood fibrillates and replaces any images.

It doesn't help for long and there is another dull throbbing further up his body. He doesn't remember when he gave in the first time and thought about Remus while having it off. Remus isn't exceptionally handsome and yet, sometimes Sirius can't stop staring at him, thinking of him. Everything is a little too sharp on Remus, from his bones to his facial features and pointed humour. He is thin and lanky and kissing him was…_oh_…Sirius sighs and moves his left hand into his pyjama trousers.

In the morning his hairbrush is gone and he is greeted by Peter's bloody comb singing, "_Good morning, good morning, good morning to you. Good morning, good morning and how do you do?"_

"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES!" he yells and forgets all about the bloody mess for the moment.

* * *

"Mr Black!" Sirius turns slowly around and bestows a radiant smile on his Transfiguration teacher.

"Yes, professor?"

"In my office, if you please." McGonagall turns abruptly and her long emerald green robes swirl around her ankles. Sirius throws a look at James, who winks at him, and follows his Head of House. When they arrive in McGonagall's office, Sirius walks straight to his favourite chair, sprawling on it.

"Why am I here and James isn't?" asks Sirius nonchalantly.

"Mr Potter is Head Boy and I presume – or rather hope – that he has nothing to do with this," replies McGonagall shortly and sits down behind her desk, eying Sirius warily over the brim of her glasses.

"With what?"

"Hallow'een, Black." McGonagall is the epitome of disapproval.

"Hallow'een?" Sirius asks innocently.

"It's an annual holiday," says his teacher dryly.

"Well, _I_ haven't brought it upon you." So far the plan is working.

"Let's skip this part, Mr Black. I know you're planning something," says McGonagall sharply.

"Your suspicions wound me deeply."

"I can imagine. However, I'll have an eye on you. Last year's Hallow'een is not to be repeated. If I see a single pumpkin defying gravity…"

"Professor, now I'm really hurt. Do you really think we'd repeat ourselves?" Sirius sees her mouth twitching and knows he's safe.

"Do you have anything to confess? Something that has to do with _pudding_?" McGonagall pronounces the last word slowly as if she savours the sound of it.

Sirius looks shocked. He's really good at it if McGonagall's triumphant look is any indication. "How…how…"

"Did I find out?" supplies his teacher and leans back in her chair. "The house-elves told me."

"Did they at least punish themselves? Traitorous jerks."

"Mr Black!"

"Sorry, professor. Do I get detention now?"

"No, since this prank has obviously not come to pass. Three more days, Black, I hope I made myself clear."

"Very, professor," replies Sirius and gets up. McGonagall gives him a long and meaningful look before she lets him go and Sirius hurries up to get back to Gryffindor Tower, where his friends are waiting.

"And?" is James' first question when he opens the door to their dormitory.

"She bought it," chuckles Sirius and flops onto James' bed.

"The pudding. Honestly. We charmed the pudding in first year," says James indignantly.

"We did but she blamed the Prewett brothers," offers Peter and comes over to them. Remus is nowhere to be seen.

"Where's Moony?" asks Sirius immediately.

"Oh, we forgot to check the Colouring Charm. Moony is checking on it in the library." James looks unconcerned, which is a good sign, a fantastic sign. Over the last months he was always tense when he talked to Sirius about Remus. That he shrugs it off now makes Sirius want to dance, which he won't do of course, since he is a horrible dancer. There are lines even he doesn't cross.

* * *

Potions gets more and more tedious and Sirius cannot wait to forget all about it after school. It has never been his favourite subject even though he is fairly good at it. So instead of listening to one of Slughorn's success stories he is thinking of Remus. He really shouldn't, he knows that, but now that they are reconciled he can allow himself to touch him again. A hand on his sleeve, an arm slung around his shoulder, a pat on the back…it's maddening and keeping him sane all the same. Sirius is careful not to overstep any boundaries. The ice he is walking on is still thin. Nonetheless, it's tempting and touching Remus he must. It's not his fault that he is so easily distracted by the ray of sunshine on Remus' hair in Herbology or his satisfied smile after mastering a particularly complex spell in Transfiguration and he cannot help going all maudlin over it. It tears him apart, that smile, and sometimes looking at him and remembering what once was and will never be again due to his own stupid mistake and his stupid big mouth…well, it's hard to breathe sometimes. It hurts to see these brown eyes grow wary whenever he is near and this hasn't changed, of course it hasn't. It's nothing conscious. Sirius knows that Remus doesn't shut him out deliberately, he knows that he has to work hard to regain his friend's trust. He is determined to be a better friend, the best, and that's why he has to meet Kennicot now and then, who releases the pressure when it's just too much.

Slughorn has finished his tale and they all go to work; slicing, chopping, stirring their way through the instructions. Sirius throws a short glance over to Snape, whose nose is almost on the parchment while he is scribbling something in his miniscule scrawl.

"Pssst, Padfoot," hisses James from behind his cauldron. Sirius turns to him curiously, eagerly. James checks on Lily two rows before him and Slughorn, who is talking to her, before pointing his wand at Snape's parchment. He doesn't move his lips and whatever spell he uses is non-verbal. The parchment flutters briefly and sneezes the ink in Snape's face.

"WHAT THE HELL?" screeches Snape and it's only due to years of practice that James and Sirius manage to not only keep a straight face but also to bear a mildly surprised expression. "POTTER! Professor, that was Potter," claims Snape and his eyes glint malevolently. The class is buzzing with chuckling and laughter. Slughorn rushes to Snape but cannot wholly suppress his amusement at the raging boy's deep blue face.

"Mr Potter, do you have anything to do with this…ink explosion?" asks Slughorn with a stern face. "Mr Black, do you have anything to say? No? Lupin? Pettigrew?" They all shake their heads. "Well, Mr Snape, this was apparently an unfortunate accident."

Sirius smirks inwardly. If it had been one of Slughorn's favourites he would have checked on James' wand. Snape, however, is despite his Potions talent not in the Slug Club. His lack of charm and connexions as well as his brusque manners prevented him from becoming a male Lily Evans. Good thing that James cannot read his thoughts. The comparison would have been his death.

As soon as Slughorn dismisses his class – not before burdening them with 20 inches on Felix Felicis and its side effects – the Marauders rush outside. Sirius exchanges amused looks with his friends. James got away once more and Snape is…well, blue. It has been their last lesson of the day, so they head towards Gryffindor Tower.

"Merlin, the look on his face," chuckles Peter and throws admiring looks at James. Appalling, as usual.

"Thought you were above this now, mate," smirks Sirius. James only pffs at him but his eyes are filled with mischief. Sirius feels light-headed and, without thinking, he puts an arm around Remus' bony shoulders. He nearly sighs with relief when Remus doesn't shrug him off. It's all good until they pass through the Entrance Hall and Kennicot and his Ravenclaw friends come along. Kennicot smiles briefly at him and Sirius feels Remus tensing. _He knows_. The thought crosses his mind before he is aware of it and leaves him strangely helpless. He tries to grin back but hardly manages the shadow of a smile. As soon as they reach the staircase Remus shrugs him off and makes his way up the stairs quickly, alone. Sirius watches him, feeling strangely empty inside and so fucking lost _again_ until James' hand is on his arm, squeezing understandingly. A raised eyebrow asks _does he know? _and Sirius' twitching mouth answers _no idea, yes, I suppose._

"I'll talk to him," James says aloud and claps Sirius on the back.

"About what?" asks Peter but neither of them answers.

* * *

Red and yellow leaves are swirling around him, dancing and floating in midair. Sirius' heart flutters just like them. He cannot take it anymore, he really can't. Patience has never been his strength and he has been rambling the grounds for almost two hours now, to give James enough time for his talk with Remus. Sirius skipped supper, not hungry and too agitated to eat anyway. Yes, he is bloody confused, too. Remus knows about Kennicot and doesn't approve from the looks of it. Sirius' plan to be the best friend imaginable hasn't included this particular detail. The kiss, as much as it haunts Sirius, was a mistake. Sirius knew this the second he pulled away and discovered that he revolted Remus into speechlessness. So what is Remus' problem? Can't he stand the mere thought of Sirius liking cock? The injustice of the thought takes his breath away. _I'm still friends with Moony, despite his furry little problem, am I not,_ thinks Sirius in righteous indignation. He has never taken Remus for a hypocrite. Sirius is in the right mind to go up to Gryffindor Tower and…what? Ruin everything with his big mouth again?

Sirius kicks a stone because he cannot kick anyone else.

Slowly and stiffly he stalks back to the castle. James assured him that this time, Remus meant it, meant that they are friends still and again. Maybe it's just Remus not liking Kennicot in particular and he wants Sirius to quit seeing him. Sirius doesn't even need to think about it to know what he will do in this case. The Common Room is crowded and sudden warmth surrounds Sirius, making him aware of how truly cold he is, inside and outside. Neither Peter nor James and Remus are to be seen and so Sirius hurries up the stairs to their dormitory.

The door swings open and reveals only Peter lying on his bed and reading James' half-finished Potions essay. Peter eyes him guiltily but Sirius doesn't have time for teasing him.

"Wormtail, where are Prongs and Moony?" asks Sirius impatiently.

"Ugh, Moony went off somewhere and James took the Map and followed him. Why, what's going on, Sirius?"

"No idea," Sirius lies and storms out again. He knows Remus' favourite hiding place, since it's his own, too, and opts for the way to the Astronomy Tower. The corridors are deserted already, it's shortly before curfew. He only meets a fifth year Hufflepuff, smiling at him coyly. Sirius ignores her.

Taking two steps at once he finally reaches the top of the Astronomy Tower. Out of breath, Sirius steps outside and finds the Tower as deserted as the corridors. Cold autumnal wind blows in his face, mocking him. Rubbing his forehead he tries to think of another place Remus would go to.

"Fuck," he mutters under his breath and climbs down the stairs again. Halfway down, he decides to go to the kitchens. There is only so much excitement a teenage boy can bear without food and he is craving a good pasty. He curses himself for not having taken James' cloak when he almost gets caught by Evans patrolling the corridors. Her red hair is like a fiery circle in the light of her wand. Luckily, his stomach protests loudly only after she has gone past.

Sirius makes his way through the castle quickly but silently. He tickles the pear in the portrait and enters the kitchens only minutes later. The house-elves are still busy cleaning the dishes and they are bustling around in the huge room. It is noisy. The house-elves chat while moving around busily and there is the sound of brass pots and pans clanking together.

"Ah, Master Black, sir," squeaks a female elf happily and four of them are hurrying towards him. Sirius smiles a dashing smile and tells them what he wants. Half an hour later he leaves the kitchens, his stomach filled with two pasties and a huge piece of blueberry tart, his ears still buzzing with the happy chatter of the elves. Deep in thoughts, he almost misses the voices coming from a niche close to the statue of Lachlan the Lanky. Knowing James' voice everywhere, he sneaks closer.

"Moony, will you talk to me already!"

"I told you, there is nothing to talk about. I did _not_ run away from anything," says Remus impatiently. James must have been at it for quite a while.

"Sure, you're always jogging through the whole castle till after curfew."

"Drop it, will you?"

Sirius sneaks as close as he dares, ignoring his pangs of conscience about listening to something he is not supposed to hear, and uses the statue to cover his presence. They don't speak very loud, so he has to strain his ears.

"No, I won't. Come on, Moony, I'm your friend," says James pleadingly.

"If you are, you'll drop it."

"I can't. You promised that you mean it this time, so either you lied to me or he did something else to incur your wrath. What the hell is it?" There is a long stubborn silence. "Moony," pleads James once more.

Remus lets out a deep sigh and whispers something Sirius doesn't catch.

"That's no reason to shun him. Do you think I didn't have problems with it? He is my best friend though and he doesn't need to know," replies James hotly. No ready acceptance then, thinks Sirius wryly. He is grateful for James being James nonetheless.

"You should know me better. It's a little more complex, Prongs," Remus snaps back. "You wouldn't understand."

"Try me," counters James. Another silence and a whisper.

"What?" Sirius cringes at James' incredulity.

"You heard me." Remus' voice is tired.

"I am going to kill him!" exclaims James and Sirius cringes once more.

"NO! No, don't. He obviously didn't mean it."

"Did he say so?"

"No, on the contrary. But action talks louder than words in this case, don't you think?" asks Remus gloomily and Sirius' heart clenches painfully.

"How…how did you find out about him and…"

"Dignity doesn't matter anymore at this stage, huh?" Remus sighs. "Sod it! The night we had our little chat I practically walked in on them."

"Why didn't he say something?" asks James and Sirius wants to slap him for asking more and more questions. This is fucking horrible and he wants to forget he ever heard them, spied on them, followed them when he should be in bed like a good Gryffindor.

Remus snorts joylessly. "What do you take me for? I'm a Marauder, I left before they found me."

Sirius has heard enough and flees. He runs as though twenty harpies are behind him and only dares to breathe when he leans against the closed door of their dormitory.

"Oh, hey Sirius. Have you found them?" asks Peter from behind half-closed curtains.

"No. No, I went to the kitchens and Filch and his damn cat were cornering me on the way back." Sirius staggers over to his bed and undoes his robes quickly, kicking his shoes of simultaneously. Cold sweat is on his forehead despite the coldness of the room. He throws his clothes on his trunk, takes off his socks and climbs into bed. His head is spinning. Why on earth did Remus tell James? Why now, after five months? And why can't he ignore what he overheard, why does he feel elated at Remus' apparent discomfort? Burying his head under his pillow he tries to clear his mind.

Sirius decided two months ago that he will never ever approach Remus like that again. All he hopes for is normality and Remus deserves that, too. It is _Moony_ he is thinking about after all and Remus wants safety and loyalty, something of which Sirius proved incapable. His behaviour reminds him of his mother, who is dancing so close to the edge that his grandparents rarely allow her to leave the house. Walburga Black always says what she thinks, lets it slip without thinking and he acted just like her. Sirius sits up abruptly and throws his pillow at the foot of his bed. Bugger this! Bugger his insane mother, bugger his cruel and pure-blood-crazy family, bugger his friends for not knowing what it is like to grow up a Black without wanting to be one and bugger Snape for ruining everything by stalking him once too often. He fucking hates his life! He feels like crying but after months of acting like the poof he is there are no tears left. He is emotionally exhausted. Where tears have come to dry there is only emptiness and despair. There is a lump in his throat that makes it hard to breathe and he chokes on it, chokes on the blackness within.

* * *

He must have fallen asleep because James is sitting on his feet again and he hasn't noticed.

"Is thadda new hobby of yours?" yawns Sirius and blinks disorientated when James casts Lumos. James doesn't smile. Shit.

"Why the _bleeding_ hell did you kiss Moony?" asks James in a strained voice. Sirius gapes at him and the sheer stupidity of the question. Groaning, he sits up and rubs his eyes.

"Because I'm a sodding shirt-lifter and I'm determined to make my way through the dorm. I had to start somewhere, hadn't I?" he snaps bitterly.

"Cut it out," says James but he looks not as stern as before. He crosses his legs and makes himself comfortable. "And let me rephrase the question. Why on earth did you kiss Moony and tell Snape on the same day?"

"I don't _know_," replies Sirius hotly. The surge of blackness is threatening to swallow him. He has asked himself the same question over and over again. Why did he do it? He is _almost_ sure that he didn't lie to Remus. It wasn't revenge.

"You're as stubborn as a mule," sighs James and cocks his head.

"Look who's talking," scoffs Sirius and dries his sweaty palms on the blanket.

"Padfoot, I know we're supposed to be all manly about this but who else can you talk to? I'm your best mate, right?"

"Unfair," moans Sirius and buries his face in his hands.

"Yep. You don't leave me much of a choice."

Sirius peaks through his fingers and sees James smirking. But there is also this frown he had for weeks and weeks and Sirius feels guilty for bringing it back.

"Alright," says Sirius and takes a deep breath. When he starts talking his grey eyes are fixed on the curtains. "I thought he might be…you know, he never had a girlfriend, right? And I usually feel if there is _something_…and I…he is one of my best friends, _of course_ I like him. And…he looked all peaky and scared of the transformation…and…and you know me, never really thinking things through, and I know that you really want to help, Prongs, but you can't help me with this."

"Don't you want to know what else he had to say?" asks James quietly.

Sirius, then, looks at him. "Actually, no. I know him well enough, I got the message right away. So what am I supposed to do? Quit liking cock or quit seeing Kennicot?" he asks grimly.

"Do you even like him?"

"Neil? He's nice enough. I told you we weren't serious. He's just…you know…"

"Pain management," supplies James. Sirius finds himself completely and utterly speechless. "I know because Moony heard you."

_Yeah, but how much did Moony hear? _"Oh shit," is what Sirius says aloud.

"Indeed," agrees James and pushes his glasses up his nose. "You shouldn't have kept it from him."

"I didn't expect him to care," retorts Sirius angrily. James gives him an exasperated look.

"Well, he _obviously_ does. I don't know what exactly happened since both of you are so very articulate," James says with the hint of a smile. "So stop being such a twat. Perhaps you only took him by surprise."

"You weren't there," mutters Sirius. "It doesn't matter anymore. It was a bloody mistake…and I dare say a small one considering the big picture."

"Even so…what are you going to do now?" James looks expectantly at him and Sirius looks blankly back. "Well?" Sirius averts his eyes first. He doesn't know what to say or think or do. How can fucking James even expect a fucking answer? "Get rid of Kennicot, that's the least you can do."

"I can't be celibate for the rest of my life," grumbles Sirius rebelliously.

"You must talk to Moony," insists James. "I mean, if it's love or anything--"

"I know _nothing_ of love," retorts Sirius sharply. "How could I? I can't remember when my mother said a nice word to me or anyone around her. And my father never leaves the bloody whorehouses, so that he doesn't have to be around _her_. My grandparents are only interested in preserving the bloodline and Reg hates me for being the heir. Do you think I would even recognise love when it laughed me in the face? Do you think Remus deserves something like this? Like me? You have no idea what it's like to _want_ and not have the slightest chance of ever getting it because you're different. Don't _ever_ tell me again who I'm supposed to date and what I owe Remus! Moony deserves a friend, not a pervert who lusts after him!" Sirius is breathing heavily when he finishes and glaring at James who looks taken aback at the sudden outburst.

"He'll get over it…and so will I…eventually," Sirius adds, resigned.

"But--"

"Go to bed, James."

James sighs but unfolds his limbs and shifts towards the curtain. One hand on the post, he looks back at Sirius. "He'll learn to trust you again."

"I don't trust myself," says Sirius in a raspy voice. The other boy gives him a sharp look before nodding slowly and waving his wand.

"_Nox_!"

_...to be continued_

* * *

_Reviews don't only make me happy, they also help me recover from my horrible cold! _


	3. my horrid images for me

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter. The HP universe was created by JK Rowling and consequently belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything remotely related to Dylan Thomas' poem _Sometimes the sky's too bright_ either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
**Note: **It took me quite a while to finish this chapter, sorry for the rather long wait. Many thanks to my betas and all my reviewers.

* * *

_chapter three: my horrid images for me_

"Is that really necessary?" asks Remus, put down. That's not what he imagined to be doing the night before Hallow'een.

"Yes, it is," answers James and smiles at the three of them. Lily talked to him at dinner and he is still glowing. Sirius, however, glares darkly at James, as he has done for two days, when he got in the habit of sulking and moping around. They must have talked about what James and Remus talked about and whatever the outcome, Sirius isn't too happy about it.

Irony or not, when Sirius chatted with Kennicot this morning Remus felt a pang of jealousy. As pathetic as it is, he has to admit it to himself. He cannot help wanting Sirius, even if he is being a complete berk. Sometimes Sirius looks at him strangely, in a way that Remus would otherwise call _wistfully_. Otherwise. If there wasn't this unmanageable heap of regrets and the smiling face of Neil Kennicot.

Oh, Sirius probably told the truth; the boy is pain management. Sirius' eyes don't light up whenever he is near and his smile disappears with Kennicot, doesn't linger on his face like it does on James' whenever he sees Lily. And yet, the blond Ravenclaw gets a kind of closeness Remus himself craves desperately. Outside that classroom, he recognised his feelings for what they were and denial became futile then. It is certainly futile now when he is so helplessly drawn to Sirius that sometimes, he can even ignore that voice, which reminds him that this isn't normal, that he shouldn't want his friend, not like this. _Sirius_, who is on his mind more and more often since Remus has truly come to terms with his betrayal. His thoughts are different now. He is still aching but the pain has changed, transformed into something else. Remus isn't stupid. He knows that he cannot escape this, himself, and he takes it like any other attack and builds a wall of _noes_ around it. He is used to noes. No, he shouldn't look at boys the way he does, that's what he told himself in fourth year. No, he mustn't enjoy this, that's what he thought in the summer break after fifth year when this Muggle boy with the gorgeous arse snogged him in his aunt's garden. After that, the noes were centred around the person of Sirius Black and his cruel beauty, his unequalled bravery and enraging thoughtlessness.

"Moony? You still with us?" asks Peter with a slight frown.

"Sure," says Remus and locks his mind.

"Excellent!" James has _this_ look and Remus fears what's coming next and groans inwardly at his following words. "We'll split. Wormtail, you'll come with me." _Subtle, James, very subtle._ James grins at Sirius and drags Peter with him. This leaves him and a sulking Sirius in the secret passageway on fourth floor. His friends' footsteps trail off.

"Let's go then," says Remus lightly while his heart is sinking to somewhere around his knees. After a long moment of being stared down by deep grey eyes, Remus sees Sirius nod. "Prongs and his plans. Why do we have to go to the dungeons?" Remus adds rebelliously. They still haven't moved.

"Because James is Head Boy and as such, he is free to abuse his power." Not nearly as grumpy as Remus expected.

"It certainly didn't stop him from giving us the password to the Slytherin Common Room," mutters Remus.

"You know it only works if they inhale our mixed pixie powder tonight," Sirius says and gives him another strange look. Of course Remus knows. They manipulated the powder so that only Slytherin house will suffer the consequences to full extent, while all the others will…but that will be tomorrow evening, no need to worry about that now. "I can hardly wait to see their faces," Sirius notes suddenly. Remus looks at him and he grins back deviously.

Remus clears his throat of the lump that is always there lately. "Let's hope that Lily won't cancel their date because of it."

Sirius snorts dismissively, his long-fingered hand cutting the air. "Nah, she fancies him. Has for quite a while now, only her pride has been in the way of domestic bliss." That Remus is taken by surprise by this honest and insightful observation would be an understatement. He must look it, too, since Sirius' grin changes into an honest smile and he chuckles, "What? Did you think I'm too thick to see that? Evans fancies the pants off good old Prongs and even Wormtail notices these days. He'll tell James, undoubtedly he will, and we all know how insufferable that'll make Prongs." Remus bites back a laugh. "You know it's true," adds Sirius in a singsong voice and runs a hand through his hair, imitating James perfectly. Yet, it looks different when he does it, his glossy black tresses falling back into place immediately. If there is someone with hair more perfect than Sirius, Remus has yet to know them.

"Prongs is too excited, their date will be a disaster regardless," grins Remus. Sirius lets out a bark of laughter but it's not really funny and they fall silent after that.

"We should really go," states Remus uncomfortably and turns towards the exit. Sirius catches up with him and they walk in silence. The ground is uneven and Remus concentrates on not stumbling.

Shortly before they arrive at the mirror Sirius mutters his name.

Surprised, Remus turns his head. "Yeah?"

"I didn't want you to know because it doesn't mean anything." Sirius' cheeks are flushed and he looks as though he wants to be anywhere but here. Nothing else, not one more word is necessary for Remus to understand what he means but he doesn't know what to say. It almost sounds like an apology and he has had enough of those. "You know, Kennicot," adds Sirius unnecessarily.

"I know," Remus says quietly.

"Well, it started when you were still cross with me and then…it never really came up and…you know?" Sirius shrugs uneasily.

"It's alright," replies Remus and of course it isn't. Two steps and Sirius is standing considerably closer, the small distance startling Remus.

"Is it?" Sirius asks in a low voice and then he is biting his lip and his eyes, deep and grey and almost _pleading_, keep Remus in place. It's quite overwhelming, really, and Remus wants to shout that it is far from being alright because Sirius promised that it meant something and now he is snogging this Ravenclaw boy who is nothing to him and asks him if he is OK with that and that is wrong, so unbelievably wrong.

"_Try me," said James and expected Remus to tell him his most embarrassing secret just like that. He had been following him for hours and Remus knew James too well, he wouldn't let go._

"_The night Sirius sent Snape to the shack he kissed me," he said in a very low, defeated voice._

"_What?" James looks livid. _

"_You heard me." _

"_I am going to kill him!" _

"_NO! No, don't. He obviously didn't mean it." He hoped that his disappointment wasn't audible._

"_Did he say so?" asked James doubtfully. Why was James such an inquisitive bastard?_

"_No, on the contrary. But action talks louder than words in this case, don't you think?" _

"_How…how did you find out about him and…"_

"_Dignity doesn't matter anymore at this stage, huh? Sod it! The night we had our little chat I practically walked in on them."_

"_Why didn't he say something?" _

_Remus snorted. "What do you take me for? I'm a Marauder, I left before they found me."_

"_Sorry," answered James dismissively. "Wait, did you punch him? When he…kissed you, I mean."_

"_No," said Remus, bewildered. Why would he punch Sirius for kissing him?_

"_So you liked it?" asked James incredulously. So much for staying in the closet._

"_I…I don't know?" he tried. In a way, that was the truth. He didn't know what he was supposed to think about it. _

"_You don't know?" James looked doubtful._

"_Well, it's Sirius. I hardly know what to think of him when he doesn't go and kiss me."_

_James' lips were drawn into a smile. "Fair enough. You know, the thing is…Sirius is…not interested in girls…at all. If…if you weren't either…well, you could tell me." Remus nodded, non-committal. James let out a shaky laugh. "I'm just glad he didn't try that with me. But…what do you want to do now?"_

"_Do?" asked Remus stupidly. _

"_Yeah, I mean…"_

"_I won't do anything. And I don't want you to do anything either. I just want to get back to normal."_

"_Well, I can't say I'm not relieved. Seeing you to going at it would be weird, wouldn't it? I mean, we're mates and all." James frowned. "Things wouldn't be the same again."_

"_No, they wouldn't," agreed Remus sadly. _

So Remus nods jerkily, nods his approval, because things would change irrevocably and what will be left of him if he loses his pride as well?

"Good man," Sirius says and pats him on his upper arm. Remus hopes that his friend's smile is strained but he isn't sure, can never be sure with Sirius, and he wants his righteous anger back, these miserable feelings being unwanted and confusing. "So, there is mischief to be done!" Sirius exclaims in a completely different voice. _What, more? _

The way to the dungeons was never shorter. Remus feels as though he needs to say something before the moment has passed but apparently it's too late already and he can't get the words out before they arrive at the hidden door.

"Salazar sempra," Sirius hisses contemptuously. "Honestly, with Lucius and Bella gone, one should think that they are a little more creative," he adds while opening the door.

"Keep it down, you can rant all you want as soon as we're done."

"Promised?" smirks Sirius.

"Wow, it's been a while since I've been here," whispers Remus as they step inside and the common room comes into view. He takes a look around the dimly illuminated place, which is so very different from their own common room. The greenish furniture looks newer and more pricey but Remus feels rather claustrophobic under the low ceiling that keeps the water out.

Sirius makes a low whistling sound. "Someone must have made quite a donation. My bet's on Malfoy." He turns to Remus abruptly. "OK, I'll take the girls' dormitory and you the boys'."

"What? Why?" protests Remus.

Sirius gives him a crooked smile. "Because I'm the flaming shirt-lifter and if they've taken similar precautions as Gryffindor I'll get through the barrier and you won't."

"But – alright, alright," Remus says, resigned. This isn't the time to discuss his sexual preferences. The Slytherin dormitories rank highly on his list of Places He Wants to Avoid. However, it has to be done. Without further ado he turns towards his destination of doom.

"Moony, haven't you forgotten something?" He hears the smirk in Sirius' voice and turns around. Sirius throws something at him and Remus catches it swiftly, his reflexes quick from years with the Marauders. It is of course the leather pouch with the pixie powder. Sirius is gone before he can retort. Silently, Remus makes his way through a narrow corridor, decorated with small portraits of famous and infamous deceased Slytherins. He detects the sleeping likeness of Phineas Nigellus Black, an ancestor Sirius despises with particular fervour. The corridor ends in a big, semicircular room, wherefrom the dormitories follow up.

In three dorms he does not encounter any problems. The rooms are bigger than in Gryffindor Tower and two years share a dorm. Remus can't imagine why but maybe it's only Slytherins trying to be different from the other houses again. Only the seventh years have a room of their own, which is just as spacious as the others. His palms are sweaty and so he opens the door with the pouch in his hand. As silent as possible he sneaks inside. His eyes are used to the darkness and he has no difficulty identifying the sleeping boys. Avery snores in the bed next to him, a foot dangling in the air.

In the middle of the room, Remus opens the pouch and empties the remainder of the powder on the floor. Back at the door, he points his wand at the place where he knows the powder is and casts a non-verbal Swirling Charm. Hastily, he reaches for the door knob and almost hisses in pain. His hand burns like thousand hell fires where it touches the metal and only his pain-practiced willpower lets him turn the knob and step outside before gasping and shaking his hand. Some bastard, and he has a strong suspicion which one, bewitched the silver. Sirius once told him about these spells, dark magic against dark creatures. Normal silver does not harm werewolves, one of the many myths that are not true. That is why a Black came up with a spell to use it against werewolves nonetheless. The entrance door at number twelve Grimmauld Place has a door knob of that sort. _To keep the scum out, _as Sirius noted bitterly. However, there is no time to think of a Healing Charm and quite honestly, Remus does not want to look at it just yet. Hiding his hand under his sleeve he makes his way back to the common room, where Sirius is already waiting for him.

"What took you so long?"

"I'll tell you later," whispers Remus. There is no way he will tell Sirius about it with sleeping Slytherins close by. They sneak outside and move quietly through the labyrinth of corridors. Remus' hand hurts like blazes, a searing pain that doesn't fade.

"Look what I found!" smirks Sirius, when they are out of the close proximity of Slytherin, and lights his wand. A pair of silken knickers are dangling from his hand.

"You stole knickers?" Remus concentrates on acting as normal as possible. He wishes Sirius hadn't lit his wand.

"Not _any_ knickers. Cynia Rosier's." Sirius throws them in the air and catches them skilfully before stuffing them into his robes. "Remember the time she called me a walking spectacle who knows nothing of pure-blood decency? Pure-blood decency, my arse! Her knickers under the Hour Glasses in the Entrance Hall will tell everyone about _her _precious decency. Fucking hypocrite! I once saw her snogging her -- Moony?"

"Yeah?" he tries in a determinedly light tone.

"You're making _that_ face again. Something's wrong, out with it!" At times like these Remus curses Sirius for knowing him so well.

"I touched something and…well, I'm not sure how bad it is."

Holding him back, Sirius stops dead. He looks alert. "What did you touch? Show me!"

Reluctantly, Remus puts forth his hand. Sirius takes it in his own and brings his wand closer. "Holy fucking hippogriff, Moony!" His palm is burned badly and skin around the edges is blistered…where it isn't completely gone.

"It's nothing really," says Remus lamely.

"Are you kidding me?" Sirius looks livid but also seriously worried. "That's…you didn't touch…I'll kill him!"

"With or without my help this time?" Remus asks sharply and Sirius winces. "We weren't exactly supposed to be there, right? And we have no proof. So instead of going on another crusade you could help me with this."

"Sorry," mumbles Sirius, humbled once more by the memory of the prank that went too far. "Why don't we – wait! That's it! You go back to Gryffindor Tower. Be right with you!" Sirius squeezes his arm and is gone in a heartbeat. _Great help_, thinks Remus although he knows he's being unfair.

Half an hour later he sits in front of the fireplace in the Common Room, still waiting for Sirius. He tried several healing charms on his hand but none of them really helped. The wound is still open and pulsing with pain. Remus will have to see Madam Pomfrey in the morning. He rests his head on the back of the armchair and tries to ignore the pain.

"Moony," hisses a voice close to his ear and Remus jumps, adrenaline rushing through his veins.

"I really don't need a heart attack right now, Padfoot," he reproaches Sirius, wondering whether he fell asleep. Otherwise he would not have missed the portrait opening.

"Yeah, sorry about that. Give me your hand."

"What?" asks Remus, sleep-befuddled.

Sirius leaps over the arm rest and falls on the armchair next to him. "Must hurt like hell," he mutters under his breath and reaches for something on the table. "Stop staring and put your hand in here," he adds impatiently. Sirius is holding a bowl, filled with yellow fluid.

"Oh, you got me Murtlap Essence!" exclaims Remus, finally understanding. Relief and gratitude wash over him.

"What did you think I was doing? Taking a stroll through the castle?" snorts Sirius. While bathing his hand in the Murtlap Essence, Remus eyes his friend. Despite his attempt to be his usual arrogant self he isn't fooling Remus for a second. Whenever Sirius is anxious he gets fidgety.

"And? Does it help?" Sirius leans forward and Remus has to swallow this damn lump again. He tries to concentrate on his hand instead of Sirius, being all worried because of _him_. The pain recedes slowly, the yellow fluid being pleasantly cool against his tormented flesh.

"Yes, thank you," says Remus softly and Sirius smiles, relieved and affectionate, a smile that's making Remus all warm and fuzzy. However, as fast as it appeared it is gone, that smile. Sirius looks as though he made a mistake.

"Well, I'm going to check on Prongs and Wormtail. They are overdue," says Sirius and jumps off the armchair. Remus sits and bathes his hand in the Murtlap Essence…and thinks that something else is overdue as well.

* * *

"I'm starving," James complains for the sixth time within the last hour. 

"Oh really?" Sirius stands in front of the mirror and brushes his hair. The irony isn't lost on James, who throws a bottle of shampoo at him. Sirius ducks and chuckles when the bottle hits Peter. "You could've asked Peter for one of his strawberry tarts but I doubt he'll give you anything now," he grins. James makes a face at him that doesn't suit the badge on his robe.

"Are you finished?" glares Peter, apparently not too thrilled by the prospect of sharing his strawberry tarts. "You've been blocking the mirror for fifteen minutes."

"You counted?" Sirius snickers. "Fifteen minutes? It's not as if they had improved _your_ looks." Peter looks hurt by the reminder of his deficient figure and Remus wants to hit Sirius for being such a tactless bastard but, as usual, he says nothing.

To be honest, he isn't too excited about tonight, which really means that he wants to stay in the dorm and shut the world out. He hasn't fully understood today's Transfiguration lesson and really needs to practise, because N.E.W.T.s are coming closer and closer. Apart from that, he suspects that Sirius and Kennicot will have one of their little meetings after the feast and he knows that he has to get used to this but there is this unreasonable irritation welling up inside him whenever he thinks about it. All that _really_ matters it that this is best for the Marauders and yes, for himself. Remus looks down at his hand. The wound is healed but the new skin is still sensitive and rosy and he avoids using it just yet. Trust doesn't come easy.

"Voilà," Sirius says suddenly and gives them a dashing smile.

James rolls his eyes. "You're such a vain tosser," he says warmly. When Sirius is at the door, James sneaks up behind him and ruffles his hair, cackling evilly. Naturally, a wrestling match ensues, with Peter cheering for James. Remus feels strangely detached from the scene, still occupied with his struggling feelings and his thoughts on N.E.W.T.s.

* * *

They finally make it to the feast and the Great Hall looks splendid. It's the last Hallow'een he will celebrate here, at Hogwarts, and the thought alone makes Remus melancholy. 

"Yes, shepherd's pie!" exclaims James happily and loads his plate. There are also pork chops, delicious smelling sausages, roast chicken, crisp chips, baked pumpkins and roast potatoes. Remus sees that James cannot completely hide the excitement he always feels before a long-planned prank but it doesn't influence his appetite. He cast the incantation just outside the Great Hall and must be impatient. Peter chews cheerfully on a pork chop and Sirius helps himself to crisps and roast chicken, looking as innocent and relaxed as humanly possible.

Feeling a little gloomy and considering his future prospects, Remus loads his plate with shepherd's pie and savours the taste of a thoroughly good meal.

"Whoa, _bloody hell_," hisses Sirius all of a sudden.

"What? Is it working?" James looks excited.

"Yeah." A strange and unsettling gleam is in Sirius' grey eyes.

"I…I see something, too," peeps Peter nervously.

Remus doesn't spot anything yet. "What do you see?" he asks Peter.

"My cousin Robert…and he's a cripple!" exclaims Peter with unholy joy.

"Eh?" James looks puzzled.

"He always teases Peter for being…slow. He's a racer," explains Remus, not trying to offend Peter. "Padfoot, what do you see?"

"My mother's head."

"And?" asks James.

"On this plate," Sirius adds and Remus isn't sure if his devious grin is sincere, if he really enjoys this or if he's secretly freaked out by his hidden desires. Because that is what the spell does. Pixie powder causes illusions and after they mixed it with a few other rare ingredients, everyone exposed to it will see something gruesome, ranking from nasty little wishes to ghastly hidden desires. James found this fitting for Hallow'een and insisted on going through with the plan and since Sirius agreed eagerly that it was brilliant and wicked indeed, Peter and Remus could only go along with it. The illusions are not supposed to be too convincing and although Remus isn't too comfortable with the prank, he considers the idea rather clever.

The Great Hall is buzzing with excited whispers. Some students stand and look frightened while others have already understood that they are being pranked and tell each other what they see. Lily is paler than usual but composed, chatting animatedly with her friend Alice.

"Oh sweet Merlin!" exclaims James and looks shocked and pleased at something only he can see. In odd fascination, Sirius stares at the plate in front of him.

A high scream pierces the chatter and a fourth year Slytherin jumps off the bench, looking positively terrified. Remus cannot blame her and can't help feeling pity for her. All of Slytherin house was exposed to the powder much longer and so the impact is stronger. For at least two hours they will see dead people and nightmarish creatures all around them. Remus tried to keep James and Sirius from going through with this part of the plan but Sirius reminded him fiercely of all the times the Great Hall lay in shocked silence after the arrival of Ministry Owls and only one table was smirking and snickering, sympathising with Voldemort and his murdering gang. It wasn't right but he had a point. So last night, while Sirius and Remus were distributing the powder in Slytherin, James and Peter went to the kitchens and spread it over the already scrubbed brazen pots and pans. Another girl shrieks in terror and others jump off their seats. The other students do not understand the Slytherins' reactions, for they act as Sirius and James have predicted: they are enjoying the little horror, it being Hallow'een, and nothing _they_ see justifies screaming. Some laugh.

"Silence!" demands Dumbledore in a low but authoritarian voice. Remus feels McGonagall's stern gaze on them. He braces himself and puts on a fairly shocked and surprised face, which isn't a sham at all when a bleeding Fenrir Greyback appears in front of him, his teeth being shattered, begging for help. Remus feels shameful pleasure at the sight of him and shakes his head to get rid of the image. He hasn't eaten much all day, so it's only a weak illusion.

McGonagall rushes to them. "You four, in my office. Now!" she orders brusquely. _This is going to be a long night_, Remus thinks as he gets up and sighs inwardly. James stuffs another spoon of shepherd's pie into his mouth and Sirius asks indignantly, "What? Why, professor?" As they trot behind professor McGonagall, he sees Kennicot gazing at Sirius in something that resembles adoration. Sirius being interrogated in McGonagall's office will doubtlessly cross their schedule and the thought alone makes Remus a lot happier.

* * *

"Well, two weeks of detention aren't too bad," says Sirius after they left their angry Head of House two hours later. He is bouncy as he is often after a successful prank and a success it was. The Slytherins will not make fun of the dead any time soon. 

"Shocking for the _Head Boy_ though," remarks Lily, who waited for James outside McGonagall's office. She doesn't look too stern all things considered.

"He's still a Marauder," counters Sirius with a lot of arrogance. Remus knows that he likes Lily but apparently he cannot overlook that she is a girl and girls aren't supposed to understand what being a Marauder means.

Lily rolls her eyes but says nothing. Smart girl.

"McGonagall's sermons make me hungry and I hardly ate anything at the feast," Peter bellyaches.

"Lily, would you please cover your ears? I'm going to suggest a kitchen raid," smirks James and winks at her.

"I haven't heard a word you said, Potter, and I won't ask you to take me with you because I am not hungry at all." Lily smiles sweetly and James beams at her. Remus is as surprised as the rest of them and wonders whether their first date will be a success after all. Sirius was right, Lily is obviously smitten by their bespectacled friend.

"I'll pass," Sirius says hurriedly. "I have…er, somewhere else to go."

Smiling is suddenly much harder for Remus. "I'll pass, too. I'm going back to the dorm." James is too excited about the prospect of spending more time with Lily, even if Peter comes along, to worry about the two of them.

Walking through the corridors, Remus wonders why losing something he never possessed hurts so much. He _tries_ to think about Transfiguration. Having detention every day for two weeks means more work and considerably less time. He is about to climb through the Portrait Hole when someone says, "Great Prank. Creepy like hell but brilliant."

"Thanks, Alice," replies Remus automatically but hesitates to go inside. "How's the mood?"

Alice, Lily's best friend, is a level-headed round-faced girl and quite popular for her unobtrusive competence. "Oh, we were a little shocked at first but now everyone thinks it's brilliant."

"Apart from the Slytherins," says Adam Johnson, a sixth year Gryffindor, who just appeared in the Portrait Hole.

"Tell that to Sirius and James, they'd be disappointed otherwise," Remus jokes.

The Common Room is crowded and noisy and everyone wants to know how they did it and what ingredients they used and what their punishment was. Remus' answers are mono-syllabic but it doesn't seem to bother the excited crowd. They know that it's Sirius and James who crave attention. As soon as they return they will undoubtedly spill the beans. Remus worms his way through the Common Room and feigns a headache.

The dorm is a silent haven for Remus' exhausted nerves. He doesn't even know what made him so tired. The appearance of Greyback is certainly part of the reason. Quickly, he loosens he tie and kicks of his shoes. Right, Transfiguration then. His stomach grumbles in protest and he instantly regrets not having gone to the kitchens with James, Lily and Peter. He could have distracted Peter, so that James had Lily for himself. Oh well, next time. He may have some of his mother's homemade biscuits left in his trunk. Remus throws the tie on his bed and goes to search his things. He opens the lid and is thrown back by the weeping image of his mother. _Hasn't the powder worn off yet?_ he wonders, unnerved, but then his mother starts talking.

"Your father left me. He has gone off to find a way to heal you and _he left me_! You destroyed our marriage, Remus!" his mother reproaches him bitterly. Remus is too taken aback by her words to do anything. "You, Remus! I tried to love you but now I wish you would have died the day you were bitten. God knows that I was happy then."

It can't be his mother, she would never say these horrible things, each word cutting like a knife. It's like his worst fears have come true; his father did something irrevocably hurtful to her because of him. And then it dawns on him. _A Boggart!_ He hasn't seen one for years and has quite forgotten how real they are. For all that, the knowledge doesn't protect him because it looks just like her, even smells like her. It wears her favourite perfume, a usually beloved scent, now invading his nostrils like sweet poison.

"He is ruining himself just because he cannot accept what happened to you and _you_ are not helping at all. But how could you? You're not human anymore. John wastes his life finding a cure but you don't even appreciate it. And now he's gone and what am I without him? I don't want to see you ever again in my house, do you hear me, Remus?" his mother, no, the Boggart spits. It is hard to know what is real and what isn't and he cannot remember crying but his cheeks are wet and his nose is running and why can't he think of something funny to stop it?

"You're not my son anymore, you're a monster!" his mother says cruelly and Remus dies inside.

"Hey Moony!" The door bangs open. "Moony? Oh bugger!" Remus' head spins round just in time to see Sirius throwing himself between him and the Boggart. "Get away! Go!" he shouts and then the Boggart changes his form. Remus blinks, bewildered, because this can't be true, he _can't_ be Sirius' Boggart but he is. His likeness looks miserable, wearing only rags and being terribly thin and shabby. Sirius looks surprised and Remus realises that he didn't expect _this_ form, didn't know that Remus is his Boggart.

"You! You betrayed me again. I trusted you and you _betrayed me again_!" the other Remus says miserably, sounding awfully disappointed and weary.

"You're not real. _Riddikulus_!" Sirius' voice his shaky and the spell doesn't work. The Boggart stands in front of the trunk and it must look familiar to Sirius, seeing him there. It's even more surreal for Remus.

"Look at me, Sirius! I'm too poor to buy myself decent robes and I haven't eaten in days. You know why, don't you? Everyone _knows_ because of you. I'll never get a job or find someone who loves me because of you." The other Remus doesn't sound angry, only tired and disappointed and bitter and why doesn't Sirius _do_ something?

"I do," Sirius says hoarsely, two words that break Remus' heart, surprise and hurt him more than he would have thought possible.

"You have a great way of showing it. You're a Black, Sirius, you don't know what love is. You're just like the rest of your family. You're cruel, selfish and vain and we both know that you're a pervert too. That kiss disgusted me. You _disgust_ me."

"Remus, _please_…"

"Please what?" The Boggart steps closer. "I can't trust you. I can't love you. I _hate_ you."

"NO!" says Remus loudly and the image of a very happy Christmas crosses his mind. His wand at the ready, he shoves Sirius out of the way. The Boggart switches back to his mother but this time he is prepared.

"_Riddikulus_!" Instantly, his mother is covered in fairy lights and Remus laughs, slightly desperate, but he laughs. It's enough for the Boggart to shy away from him, enough to let him stumble over the trunk and enough for Remus to lock the lid magically. Remus exhales, relieved, and turns to Sirius, who is half-sitting, half-lying on the floor, his hand still clutching his wand. His face is mostly hidden by his hair but the sound betrays him, ragged but silent sobs.

"Padfoot," Remus says softly and approaches his friend. Sirius turns away, trying to hide his tears in shame but Remus cannot turn away this time, for now he understands. He sinks on his knees and reaches out for Sirius' trembling shoulder.

"Please go away," Sirius says in a strained voice. All of the Marauders know that Sirius Black values his dignity over everything but this is too important to respect it now.

"Pads, I could never hate you," says Remus, ignoring the request. His friend's body convulses with a violently suppressed sob.

"How…how can you say that? I know that…I mean…I'm…such a sick bastard."

"Sirius, you are my friend," declares Remus with as much conviction as he can muster. Finally, Sirius looks up, eyes shining with anguish and hope. "You are, you still are."

"Oh Moony, I'm so sorry." The words break out of Sirius and he clutches Remus' shoulders and hides his face in his neck, leaving Remus shocked but also strangely pleased. Hesitantly, he puts his arms around the shaking body that is clinging to him as though his life depended on it. Sirius' voice is muffled when he speaks again and it's more of a feverish babble really. "So sorry….never should've sent him to the shack, never. I didn't think and…so sorry. I shouldn't have…shouldn't have kissed you…'m sorry for that, too."

"No, don't be," says Remus fiercely and tightens his embrace or whatever it is they're doing. He _doesn't_ want to hear Sirius apologise for that and the irony of this late epiphany is bittersweet.

"I don't know what's…wrong with me. You're my _mate_ and I should never have…not you, never you," mutters Sirius into his neck. One of Remus' hands is rubbing Sirius' back in calming circles while the other is entwined in silky black hair. "Sorry, just s-sorry. I'll be…a better friend, I promise."

Something breaks inside him; seeing Sirius like this is something he cannot bear. Sirius never loses his composure and he certainly never cries but his robes are wet where Sirius is sobbing into them and Remus' head is spinning with the enormity of it all. There has been enough anguish for both of them and Remus is afraid that guilt and shame will destroy them sooner or later. Sirius' fingers are digging painfully into his shoulder blades, interrupting his feverishly rambling thoughts. He isn't sure whether he will regret it and uncertainty threatens to overwhelm him once more but his hand is moving on its own accord, tugging on Sirius' head until they are face to face. Miserable grey eyes take his breath away and Sirius is too pale, he shouldn't be so pale. _This is not a good idea_ but he leans closer and brushes his lips over Sirius' and he feels his breath hitch and he mustn't do it but he does.

_…to be continued_

* * *

_Like what you read? Please let me know and _**review! **


	4. the weightless touching of the lip

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and consequently belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything remotely related to Dylan Thomas' poem _Sometimes the sky's too bright_ either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
**Note: **This chapter justifies the M rating.

* * *

_chapter four: The weightless touching of the lip_

This time, he is wide awake when the curtains are drawn aside. His heart is fluttering in his chest and he is glad that he is lying down already. Yes, there are indeed things that make Sirius breathless and nervous and the skinny werewolf climbing into his bed is one of them. Well, on second thought, _most_ people would be nervous with a werewolf in bed but doubtlessly not for the same reasons.

"You awake?" comes a whisper in the dark and Sirius grabs the other boy's arm and _pulls_. A muffled cry into his shoulder before dry lips brush over his own. He feels the silent laughter, feels the lean body shaking with giddy delight and he is bold enough to part Remus' lips with his tongue. A shudder runs through the boy in his arms and _oh shit_ perhaps this was a mistake, but then there is a cool hand on his neck, drawing him closer, and Remus is kissing him back, fiercely and greedily.

It's been only two days since Sirius' rather embarrassing rescue mission and the second night that Remus comes into his bed. The haven't done a lot of talking yet, although this was the original plan, talking. They had been kissing, rather hesitantly, on the floor of their dormitory when Peter's and James' footsteps announced their return. Sirius only had to look at Remus to know that neither of them was up to any more emotional exposure. When Remus stumbled to his feet and hissed, "Tonight," Sirius nodded eager approval. Yet, that night they didn't talk, couldn't talk, too breathless and overwhelmed by the turn of events. After a couple of minutes of throat-clearing and nervous shifting, Sirius grabbed Remus and kissed him.

"There's time enough for talking tomorrow," Sirius whispered into Remus' ear and nibbled on his earlobe. Remus didn't protest then and doesn't protest now that Sirius sucks on his lower lip. Remus is distracting; his neck, his arms, his silent moans, his lips, all of him. The skin on Remus' neck is so soft and alluring and Sirius simply has to kiss his way to his throat and up to his waiting lips, the stubble around them an exhilarating contrast. When Remus' hand gropes his arse, Sirius moans into the kiss.

"Shhhh," whispers Remus. Sirius feels the wicked grin on his face and wishes he could see it.

"Imperturbable Charm. Cast it when I went to bed," susurrates Sirius and draws Remus closer because he can't be _too_ close to him.

"Good thinking."

"Knew you'd approve."

Remus wants to retort, so Sirius shuts him up by sealing their lips. He knows time doesn't stop for him and they can't postpone talking forever but a few more minutes of blissful snogging won't do any harm. He has been waiting so long, so fucking long, for just holding Remus the way he holds him now and he cannot really wrap his mind around it yet. It's too big, too mind-boggling.

The fabric of Remus' shirt is thin and soft from use against Sirius' trembling fingers and nestles like a second skin against Remus' bony shoulders. Sirius craves to touch his boyish angles and flat chest and in a trace of daringness he brings their hips together. Remus goes still, so very still, and Sirius holds his breath.

"Merlin," Remus eventually whispers, almost in awe, and _thrusts_, blacking out every qualms Sirius has immediately. It doesn't take much or long, both of them excited and filled with anxious lust. Panting and with their pyjamas sticky, they fall apart only minutes later. Sirius, in his blessed-out state, can't remember a time when he was happier.

* * *

_Meet me after curfew in the Owlery._

_S.B._

Sirius folds the hastily scribbled note before James notices and puts it into his History of Magic book. It's time to come clean with Neil and Sirius supposes that he should feel guilty for his profound lack of caring. Kennicot was a distraction, a distraction he doesn't need anymore. He cannot say that he likes or dislikes the boy. They never talked about hobbies or personal things. Kennicot isn't his friend, he's pretty and convenient and yes, gives great head and that's all about it as far as Sirius is concerned.

Remus sits two rows before him, next to Peter as he always does, and the thought of what they did last night makes Sirius forget about Kennicot for the moment. Luckily, James hasn't noticed anything yet. He's too busy with Head Boy duties and Lily Evans, who talks to him _voluntarily_ more and more often, leaving a goofy smile on his face. Sirius feels a little guilty for keeping secrets from him and especially keeping _this_ secret, but as long as Remus and he haven't defined what they have he frankly doesn't know what to tell James. To be honest, he cannot face rejection from his best friend just yet and he has no idea what James' reaction will be. He played his part well when Sirius told him that he preferred his partners to be of the male persuasion but James told Remus that he wasn't as fine as he pretended to be. He tries, Sirius knows he does, but whether he is ready for _this_ Sirius doesn't know.

Sirius stretches his legs and leans back on his chair. History of Magic is undoubtedly the most boring subject on earth but it allows him to daydream. Moving aside everything he cannot be sure of – Remus' feelings for him being only one point on the list – he stares out of the window and loses himself in memories.

Not only History of Magic but the whole day goes by in a blur. He slips Kennicot the note at lunch and hexes his brother in the corridor in front of the Transfiguration classroom for calling him a blood traitor. Detention with McGonagall is over before he knows it, too, though cleaning the tables of bird droppings from their previous lesson isn't normally something that makes time fly by.

Sirius arrives fashionably late in the Owlery, taking two steps at a time because he cannot wait to leave Kennicot and the stale memory of the last months behind. An icy wind welcomes him and thwarts his energetic arrival. Naturally, he forgot to take his cloak.

Kennicot's cheeks are red from the cold though the rest of him looks pale to Sirius.

"Hello," he greets Kennicot casually. The other boy smiles hesitantly and steps closer. Being a good Ravenclaw he has remembered his cloak _and_ his gloves. His Ravenclaw scarf is flapping in the wind.

"I'm curious, Black. Why do we meet here and not inside?" Sirius sees that Neil is trying to cover up his nervousness. He looks even tenser when Sirius smiles at him.

"I'm only here to tell you that our little arrangement has come to an end," Sirius states flatly.

"Oh."

"Yeah. We both knew that it was only temporary."

Kennicot gives him a guarded look. "And why is _temporary_ over now?" The hurt tone in his voice betrays his outward composure. Sirius feels annoyed. Stupid bloke. He told him what it would be like between them and Kennicot agreed. Why on earth does he have to go all girly and emotional now?

Sirius shrugs, demonstratively careless. "It was fun for a while," he drawls, seeking refuge in the easy arrogance he was taught at home. "But to be honest, you're getting a little clingy. I told you I'm not boyfriend material, man." He knows that _this_ was low, sees the hurt in Neil's eyes, but being overly understanding and caring won't help his cause, will it?

"So your little experiment is over, eh? Never mind me!" exclaims Kennicot bitterly.

"Oh come now. You make it sound like a break-up, which it isn't," says Sirius slowly. The cold is seeping underneath his robes and why didn't he remember that it's _November_ when he suggested the bloody place?

"No, Sirius Black is too cool for that. But maybe you aren't all that brave and daring," sneers Kennicot. "You never _dared_ to go all the way." Sirius' cheeks grow hot. Nobody accuses him of being a coward and certainly not this oblivious little shit, who doesn't know anything about him and what he's been through in the last year!

"You mean my cock never going all the way up your scrawny arse? Sorry, I don't do pity fucks."

Two steps and Sirius is shoved hard against the wall. "_Fuck_ you, Black!" Kennicot's eyes are blazing with fury but he can't hide the tears running down his cheeks. "Fuck. You. You, _bastard_!" Each word his punctuated with another shove, the back of Sirius' head colliding with the wall painfully. He takes it, knowing full well that he deserves this and more. And then Kennicot is gone, his footsteps reverberating in the narrow staircase. Sirius' fingers are icy-cold and he is trembling with bitter satisfaction. And yet, he stays, leaning against the wall, listening to the soft owl-hoots, until the pain subsides. Only then he makes his way back to Gryffindor Tower.

Remus eyes him curiously from his seat at the fireplace when he steps into the Common Room. James and Peter look up from their homework; James frowning and Peter beaming.

"Oi, where have you been?" asks Peter loudly. Several heads turn and James leans over and smacks Peter over the head. "Oww," mumbles Peter grumpily, doubtlessly asking himself what he did wrong now. Sirius crosses the room and throws himself on the sofa next to Remus. He grins at James and Peter and sprawls comfortably against the squashy cushions, enjoying the warmth of the fireplace. Carefully, he keeps a reasonable distance to _his_ _Moony_, daring to get a little possessive now that the thing with Neil is out of the way and enjoying the novelty of the feeling.

"Met Kennicot and told him it was over," mutters Sirius in a low voice only Remus can hear. Remus makes a little grunting noise, showing that he understood, and goes back to reading his book on the Dark Arts.

James, who is helping Peter with their Charms homework, demands impatiently, "Padfoot, come here and explain to Wormtail why it is indeed important that the circle looks like a circle and not like an egg." Peter is holding on to his wand nervously.

"Black to the rescue," smirks Sirius and gets up.

* * *

"Padfoot?" Sirius' head snaps around to the staircase where the voice came from. He has been reading this brilliant book called _The Ignorance of the Common Wizard and Yes, Ye Are One of Them If Ye Are Pure of Bloode_. The Common Room is empty by now and he hasn't even noticed. That's one of Sirius many arguable talents; he is capable of focussing completely on one task, blinding out his environment to an extent that drives professor McGonagall crazy. 

"Oh, I didn't know it was that late already." He gives Remus a warm and apologetic smile.

"I figured." Already dressed for bed, Remus makes his way over to him and falls on the armchair opposite the sofa Sirius is lying on. He makes himself comfortable, his gangly legs hanging over the armrest, feet and ankles exposed to Sirius' gaze.

"Seeing that we can't come around to it in the dorm," says Remus and blushes charmingly, "I came down here to talk."

"Uhm," makes Sirius, his stomach dropping. It had to happen eventually but why now? _What if I'm Remus' Kennicot?_ Irrational panic well up inside him.

"Your Boggart…well, it shocked me," admits Remus in his calm voice. Sirius' ears ring at the memory of it and he stares down at the closed book in his lap. "I…there was a time when I felt just like that, you know, when I felt like blaming you for everything that went wrong. Just like your Boggart. I even remember…once I blamed you for…well, that I'm bent."

"Moony--" Sirius looks up, trying to protest, but a wave of Remus' hand silences him.

"Hear me out, yeah? Alright. Er, well, when I saw you and me – miserable and reproachful me – I realised what a git I've been. Sometimes…seeing that everything you do is a success and that everyone likes and admires you despite your faults and all the pranks that go a little too far…I might have forgotten that you're only, er, human and that people make mistakes."

Sirius feels a lump in his throat. "Moony, no--"

"No, Sirius, I need to get this out." Remus looks very solemn and determined, his jaw set. He must have prepared this, _how typical of him_, but Sirius can't blame him, having so many things to say himself. "All the time I thought about your betrayal and your thoughtlessness and how I couldn't trust you…but I forgot about your family and that you're…well, that you suffered just as much and beat yourself up for it, waiting for me to come around. I'm sorry." His last words are only a whisper but Sirius hears them as clearly as anything Remus could have shouted. Sirius stares at him disbelievingly and this is apparently something Remus didn't expect because he shifts nervously in his seat, drawing one leg up and pulling it close to his body.

"Erm, Sirius?"

Sirius blinks and snaps out of it. "Thank you…I guess, but really, Moony, this wasn't necessary. If anyone needs to apologise it's--"

"You apologised enough already," Remus interrupts him with a hint of impatience in his voice.

"Not for Kennicot," Sirius mumbles contritely.

"Yeah, well," Remus lets out a shaky laugh. "Let's just say we were both idiots." Sirius wants to ask why Remus didn't say anything that day, why he let him run off thinking that he was the world's greatest pervert and that Remus would never look at him the same way, but he doesn't. The subject is still of a too delicate nature and the best way to get to know Remus' thoughts is by being patient.

"Would you mind coming over here?" Sirius asks instead. A slow smile creeps over Remus' pale face and he eases off his armchair and comes over to him. Sirius gets the book out of the way and after some shifting and turning Remus' head is resting comfortably against his chest and Sirius sneaks his left arm around Remus, holding him tight. The book meets the floor with a soft thump, for Sirius needs his other arm more urgently to stroke and touch and caress. Remus snuffles contently and eventually falls asleep on him while Sirius is staring into the dying flames in the fireplace, praying to all the Gods he can think of that he won't fuck this up.

* * *

His nails are digging painfully into his palms as Sirius bales his hands into tight fists. Another howl of agony in the distance and a faint shattering sound. Sirius speeds up, his long legs stretching out as far as they can reach. 

"Merlin, the wolf's violent this month." James frowns, obviously worried. They are hurrying to the Whomping Willow as fast as possible, being uncharacteristically late due to their daily detentions. An all too human scream and Sirius shudders and dashes down a slope.

"Fuck, we should have thought about this," hisses Sirius, angry at himself and James for being so thoughtless, for not thinking ahead as usual. Remus had probably known that whatever punishment they got would last more than six days. Of course, he was excused for today but Sirius, James and Peter had to be there, cleaning out an old broom closet for Filch and scrubbing it without magic.

When they finally arrive at the Shrieking Shack the moon is up high, shining scornfully down at them, all coldness and detachment. They rush up the stairs in blustering urgency – Sirius and James first with Peter wheezing right behind them – and transform as soon as they reach the landing. The old planks creak under the suddenly increased burden and the stag, the dog and the rat move carefully closer to the room at the end of the corridor. The howls have long ceased to be human.

The first snow covers the Forbidden Forest like a blanket, enclosing it in a deceptive peacefulness. The incredible whiteness blinds Sirius in his dog form and muffles the sound of his paws. A shower of glittering white comes down on his shaggy back as the stag breaks through the under storey, galloping across the small clearing at full speed. The wolf is right behind him, playful and almost docile now that his mates are there. Padfoot's paws are breaking the immaculate cover as he follows his friends deeper into the nocturnal forest. The bigger animals are followed by a well-fed rat, moving swiftly over the white ground. Sirius knows that he should be waiting for Wormtail but racing in the snow is too much fun and he is still relieved that the wolf hasn't mauled Remus' body all too badly as it came through.

When the night is over all four of them are exhausted and spent though only Remus is naked and trembling and covered in bruises and cuts. As soon as the horrible transformation is complete, Sirius changes back and pulls off his cloak, wrapping it around Remus' violently shivering body. They cannot make a fire lest Madam Pomfrey suspects anything. James undoes his cloak as well and puts it around Remus' legs and feet while Peter is guarding the door. They are a well-rehearsed team.

"A-any ac-accidents?" asks Remus, white lipped and worn-out.

"Nah, we didn't meet anyone. I heard hooves though," is James' calming reply.

Remus sighs, relieved, and gives them a small smile. "It was fun. I like the snow."

Sirius grins. "We know. Anyone could have figured from the way you rolled in it."

"You OK, Moony?" Peter is the master of asking stupid questions but under Remus' tired but sharp look Sirius bites his tongue and only glares at the ceiling.

"Yes, Wormtail," answers Remus, who is so obviously not fine.

"We should head back." James gets up stiffly and stretches his weary limbs. Sirius doesn't react because Remus is still lying on the floor and they are about to leave him with nothing but an old, bloodstained blanket. They have done this so often that it shouldn't be hard but this time is different because that pale, battered boy, that's _his _Moony and he wants to kiss him and hold him, though these feelings leave him bewildered, their tender nature unwonted.

"Sorry, Moony. We'll see you later," says James apologetically and withdraws his cloak. Remus' ankles look too thin in the harsh twilight that sneaks through the boards on the windows and Sirius wants to snag the cloak back and wrap it tightly around them.

"Padfoot, you coming?" Peter holds the door open. His small eyes are watery and tired and his light hair plastered to his round face. James is already on the threshold.

"Yeah, go ahead, I'm with you in a minute."

"Alright, mate," says James and runs a hand through his hair. The familiar gesture is strangely reassuring. And then they're gone, the staircase creaking under their feet.

"Y-you should've g-gone…with them. I'm f-fine."

"It's bloody cold in here and you're not fine," Sirius barks out roughly and sits down next to Remus, pulling him up and against himself and wrapping his arms around him. Remus sighs and lets his head fall heavily against Sirius' chest.

"Madam Pomfrey will be here any minute, Pads," whispers the boy, who has become so much more than a friend in only six days.

"Hmm," makes Sirius and buries his nose in Remus' tousled hair, something that makes the other boy snicker.

"You're not a dog anymore," Remus chides fondly. They both hear the door to the Shack creaking open and Remus tenses in his grip. Reluctantly, Sirius disentangles himself from Remus, who hands him his cloak wordlessly. Even after the transformation, he is lovely, his Moony, and so Sirius bends down, his black hair falling into his eyes. A weightless touching of the lips and he hurries and hides in the adjacent closet.

* * *

"Sirius, a word," says James roughly when they leave the Hospital Wing. 

"About what?"

"I'm off to the library," says Peter and hurries away. Sirius frowns because this is more than a little suspicious.

"About you and Moony," explains James as soon as Peter is out of sight.

"What about us?"

"The way you were looking at him in the Shack…I don't know but maybe you have something to tell me." James looks anxious.

"No, not really," is Sirius' sullen reply.

"So you haven't talked to Moony and these looks you gave him are a product of my imagination?"

"Prongs, mate, your interest in my love life is touching but all these talks about feelings are getting a little tiresome. You sure I'm the poof here?"

"Tosser!"

"If you think I am why are you asking about Moony?" enquires Sirius slyly. Averting the subject means that he doesn't have to lie to his best friend.

James sighs in exasperation and makes an averting gesture. "Alright, if you say it's nothing, then it's nothing."

"Good."

"Good."

"Alright, fine, let's get back to Gryffindor Tower."

James' nods in agreement but his hazel eyes betray him. Sirius doesn't care for the moment. He is tired and worn-out and James' curiosity is irksome at the best of times and downright infuriating right now. However, he does care when, two days later, Remus draws him aside outside the library and hisses, "James knows something and he isn't happy at all."

"Did he talk to you?" Sirius asks, alert.

"He asked some not so subtle questions."

"Bloody hell! What did you say?"

"That he's only trying to distract himself from his upcoming date with Lily," says Remus, smiling shrewdly, and Sirius has to remind himself that he must pay attention to the problem, _now_.

"You lied," says Sirius carefully.

Remus gives him a wry look. "I know."

"Just checking." Sirius cannot hide a grin and by now he knows what kind of effect that has on Remus. A few more seconds and Remus smiles back, his brown eyes warm and trusting. "I don't want to keep this from James either, yeah?" Sirius steps closer, drawing Remus' jaw line with his fingertips, and is quite pleased when Remus' breath hitches. Sirius has always known that he is good-looking but it is only now that he really appreciates it because Remus _likes_ looking at him and Remus certainly _likes_ to be touched by Sirius.

"Pads, I cannot risk--"

"Let's get back to the dorm. James is going to be at Quidditch practice and Peter will be drooling all over his every move," suggests Sirius in a low voice. He sees the struggle behind the other boy's eyes and relief washes over him as Remus nods. Sirius doesn't dare think about what he and Remus will do if James is really not fine with it. Loyalty and friendship mean everything to Sirius and James is not only his best friend, he is like his brother, he is _family_. Losing him is out of the question but not kissing Remus is a brutal thought, even after only nine days of being allowed to kiss and touch. They haven't done a lot more yet, not since the second night. The risk of being caught in the dorm is too great, too threatening in its consequences, and so it has been the occasional and rather hasty snog between classes and sometimes late at night in the Common Room. The night before the full moon was the last time they shared a bed and it was only to hold Remus and distract him from the forthcoming transformation. Right now, however, Sirius wants to do more, wants to worship Remus' flesh, needs to reassure them both that this isn't only temporary, even if it is.

They go back to the dorm, trying not to rush and raise suspicion, and their hips don't accidentally brush like they're wont to do. Some girls point at him, giggling and whispering, but as usual Sirius chooses not to give a damn. They don't know him and he doesn't understand the attraction James, Peter, Frank and all the other good and normal boys feel for basically every creature of the female persuasion between fourteen and forty. Sneaking a glance at the boy walking beside him, Sirius isn't sure whether he envies them for their normality anymore.

In the dorm, Sirius places a strong locking charm on the door, goes over to his bed and starts to discard his clothes.

Remus stares at him, quite obviously gobsmacked. "What are you doing?"

"Getting naked. You should do the same, you know," he grins and wriggles his eyebrows. When Remus doesn't follow suite he stops at his pants. It's not that Remus is grossed out by his display of bare skin. His eyes are fixed on Sirius' body and there is this delicious blush on his cheeks. The floor is cold against his bare feet as he steps closer to Remus and runs his hands over Remus' arms. "Moony, we have about an hour and _I know_ that we need to sort this out but--"

"You're right," Remus interjects, blinking as though he just woke from a trance, and tugs at his robes. His fingers are trembling and Sirius wonders how often Remus has done this, how often he has stripped down his robes for another boy, and irrational jealousy wells up inside him. Sirius yanks his pants down and helps Remus getting rid of his. They stare at each other for a long moment, revelling in the novelty of this, and then Sirius swallows down his excitement and lets himself fall on his bed, pulling Remus with him.

The sheets are a cool caress against his back while Remus is all burning enticement. Sirius kisses him deeply and gropes every inch of flesh he can reach, dizzy with lust and pent-up desire. He has never been like this – all glorious nudity – with anyone else before, always hoping for exactly this, for Moony in his arms, and now Remus is pressed hard against him, just as eager and desperate for this as he is, and it is better than his most vivid fantasies because it is real and it is now.

"Moony," he whispers in awe and Remus breaks away, his eyes wild and needy and his hair ruffled from Sirius' greedy hands. There is this untamed feeling fluttering in Sirius' chest, something that is more than lust and which has been caged inside of him for too long, and he aches for another kiss, for the slow slide of their tongues and the feel of Remus all over him. It is still surreal, that he is allowed to do this and, almost reverently, he reaches up and brushes his palm over Remus' cheek before moving it around to the nape of his neck and pulling him into another fervent kiss. Their bodies are aligned perfectly, they _fit_ perfectly, as they move slowly, slick and hard against each other, not able to restrain themselves.

Having an idea, Sirius turns them over, so that he is on top, and presses hot, open-mouthed kisses to Remus' neck and collarbones, feverishly covering the soft and salty skin offered to him so willingly. He breathes in deeply, inhaling the scent that is all Moony and that he couldn't describe to anyone because it has nothing to do with chocolate or vanilla and all that rubbish. Remus has a strange beauty; he is all bones and joints, angles and edges, and yet, there is an unexpected gentleness to him, something that is entirely and typical Remus and lies wholly in his manners and movements. Everything he does seems to be measured carefully, evaluated beforehand, and though Sirius understands why that is, why his Moony is a creature of survival, he wants Remus to let go more often because they are young and what better time than now? When he reaches Remus' bellybutton, he sucks on the soft skin surrounding it, evoking little gasps from Moony. Kissing his way further down and making Remus _writhe_ under him, he experiences an immense satisfaction that has nothing to do with him and everything with Remus, and this is something he has never sensed with Kennicot. His world is narrowed down to toothy and wet kisses on sweet Moonyskin and Sirius is drinking in every sound of pleasure he evokes because _who knows how often I will be allowed to do this?_

With Kennicot he merely sought selfish and quick satisfaction and the Ravenclaw was only too happy to give it to him in whatever form Sirius wished. It's not that he _never_ sucked him off – he likes cock after all – but Sirius' experience in the field is limited and right now he feels inadequate. Remus, however, doesn't seem to notice, shaking badly and straining his hips as he does. Hesitant fingers entwine in Sirius' hair, the pressure urging him on. All too soon it is over and Remus empties himself with a low sensual groan, the sound going straight to Sirius' groin, causing a pulling, smouldering pleasure as his own orgasm hits him by surprise. He draws away and gasps, all gooey with the pumping release of his self.

All he hears is their heavy breathing, out of sync and strangely loud in the afternoon silence. It's getting dark and James and Peter will be back soon. He feels stuck in the twilight.

Reluctantly, he heaves himself up and, cheeks hot in embarrassment at his own quick release, he fishes his wand out of his robes and casts a Cleaning Charm on both of them. Thankfully, Remus doesn't say anything, too busy grinning goofily at him. Sirius is too much of an emotional puddle to be himself and instead of feeling the usual lethargy he is fidgety.

"Could you lie down for a bit?" Remus finally asks, voice husky and rich. He looks deliciously dishevelled and blissed-out, still graced by a slight blush.

Sirius, not used to this and stunned into silence, nods and complies but gets up immediately once again to draw the curtains close, shutting the world out. Welcoming though artificial darkness surrounds them as Remus nestles to Sirius, who can't suppress a happy sigh and wraps his arms around a slender waist and bony shoulders.

"That…I didn't expect…" Remus doesn't finish and Sirius grins, slowly finding back to himself.

"Me to suck you off?" he supplies helpfully. He feels Remus grinning into his neck and patting his arm playfully.

"Yeah. I wouldn't have put it that way but yeah."

"Well, any time," chuckles Sirius and pulls the boy in his arms closer. One of Remus' hands draws a pattern on his hip.

"Padfoot?" murmurs Remus into his shoulder.

"Hmm?"

"What is it like?"

"What is what like?"

Remus burrows his face deeper into his shoulder and Sirius knows that he's embarrassed and doesn't want to clarify his question at all.

"Sex," he mumbles. Sirius grins into the dark but remains silent. "Eh, no fair," complains the boy who is so entangled in Sirius' life that he simply doesn't want to imagine what it would be like without him.

"I don't know," is Sirius' honest reply. Remus raises his head, the darkness forgotten.

"But you and--"

"We never shagged," Sirius says dismissively.

"What on earth _were_ you doing then?"

Sirius feels slightly irritated by the sincere bewilderment in Remus' voice. He shrugs. "Blow-jobs, hand-jobs…the usual."

"Oh," makes Remus and Sirius briefly considers _not_ explaining himself. Remus won't ask any more questions, because he's Remus, but he _is_ full of questions and probably rightly so. Regarded from a certain distance it must seem strange that Sirius used Kennicot for the physical but never really got physical. Lying warm and pliant against him, Remus deserves an honest explanation and how could Sirius ever disappoint him and betray the tentative trust Remus puts in him?

Sirius takes a deep breath and struggles to find the words. Naturally, Remus knows about his fucked-up family but Sirius only ever _talked_ about it to James because James can't accept a _no _more than he does. Still, he is quite certain that Remus knows most of it because he is the only Marauder who actually _listens_. James and he used to talk a lot about sex (or rather their fantasies) until James found out that the leading actors in their fantasies very much differed. They've kept up the usual banter but they never talk about…well, _it_. Only once James had asked him why he didn't give in to one of the many girls that wanted to get into Sirius' knickers but he had shrugged it off then and James is a clever boy; he doesn't need an answer to that particular question anymore.

Remus shifts and Sirius snaps back into the here and now.

"I don't want to be like my father," he blurts out, his voice sounding slightly desperate to his own ears.

"You won't. You left home, remember?" is Remus' soothing reply. Sirius grunts, non-committal, which is obviously not enough because Remus disentangles himself from Sirius and draws the curtain aside. Blinking disorientated, Sirius sits up, his arms placed casually on his knees. "Go on," Remus encourages him, sitting down opposite him. His figure is strangely colourless in the sparse evening light.

"You know, the Blacks, we're a rotten lot and all that inbreeding left its marks," Sirius continues bitterly.

"Sirius." Remus frowns at him and reaches out for his wrist, stopping Sirius from biting down his nails. He hadn't even noticed.

"My father; even before I left I hardly ever saw him. Couldn't stomach my mother…can't blame him for that though. So while my good ol' mum is beheading house-elves and protecting the oh so precious family honour, my father spends his time in certain establishments, one more infamous than the other. I suppose my parents shagged only twice and Reg and I are the glorious results of their great romance."

"All that's not your fault," Remus points out.

"No it isn't but I can't stand the fucking hypocrisy of it all!" exclaims Sirius hotly. Remus smiles wistfully and Sirius admits to himself that he is a much better partner for this kind of conversation than James. Deep down, he should have known, he just never felt like trying it before.

"You can't change them. You did all you could by leaving," says Remus in that quiet voice he has. His hand still holds on to Sirius' wrist, warm and supportive in its simplicity.

"I can't leave my genes behind though, can I? It's in my blood, Remus. We don't know any boundaries. Bella is the most fanatical bitch I've ever met and my mum hasn't ever stopped at anything either. My father, well, I told you how he consoles himself." Sirius looks gloomily into Remus' deep brown eyes, all too grown-up for a boy of his age. "You of all the people should know that _I_ don't see when things go too far."

Remus, of course, doesn't get sidetracked and catches up quickly. "So you never--"

Sirius lets out a bitter laugh. "Yeah, I never shagged anyone because it would have been out of despair or boredom or whatever and before I'd known I would have joined my bloody father." He silently adds that Remus had better run because he is on the best way of becoming obsessed with him but he can't say it since it's true. "We should get dressed," he says instead. Remus gives him a long look, leans forward and kisses him, sweet and real, just a weightless touching of their lips that chases away the gloom and makes the blood flow.

They dress in silence and lie down on Sirius' bed again, Sirius' head resting against Remus' shoulder and Remus playing with his hair in a way that makes Sirius want to turn into Padfoot and nuzzle closer, demand more.

"You can't stay celibate forever," Remus says suddenly. Naturally, Sirius appreciates the irony of hearing his words to James repeated by Remus.

"I wouldn't call _this_ celibate," he drawls, looking up and cupping Remus' crotch. Remus blushes quite adorably and pats his hand away. "So, worried about our sex life already?" Sirius grins wickedly. Remus stays silent and looks all too casual. _Fuck, wrong thing to say_.

Then it hits him. "Moony, you're not…you're not like Kennicot." Sirius props himself on his elbow and turns Remus' face to him with his other hand, having him by the chin. "You're _you_ and I…I only met him because I couldn't have you, you know that, right?" he blurts out, glancing sheepishly down to Remus, whose blush deepens dramatically. "Right?" he repeats, his voice rough with urgency.

"Yeah, I know," replies Remus, "but what about James?"

This time, Sirius is at a loss for words. He never really contemplated their dynamics, never really thought about their group hierarchy but suddenly he understands Remus' fear of being second best in basically everything, second to James, only now he isn't or is he? Torn between the two people he loves the most, he feels petrified and nobody should expect a choice of him because he _can't_ choose, having risked so much already. So Sirius gives him the only answer he can give, not intending to jeopardise Remus' trust with something as trivial as a lie.

"I don't know."

_...to be continued_

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Feedback is glomped to the floor of the dorm, so please take a minute and **review!**


	5. no stopping part one

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and consequently belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything remotely related to Dylan Thomas' poem _Sometimes the sky's too bright_ either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
**Note: **I'm very sorry for the long wait. This chapter was a pain in the arse and it took a lot of planning and rewriting, since only five chapters were planned but I couldn't fit in all the information. So this story has five chapters – as I had planned - but chapter five has two parts and voilà, here is the first. Many thanks to my patient readers and reviewers!

* * *

_chapter five: no stopping (I)_

"We've lost them."

"Don't be daft. This is Hogsmeade, not London. There are only so many places they can be," says Sirius in that slightly annoyed voice that is reserved for Peter.

"But for now, we've lost them." Sirius throws Remus a dark look for taking Peter's side. "And it's just as well. We shouldn't spy on them, we really shouldn't," Remus adds.

"_We really shouldn't_," Sirius mocks him and rolls his eyes. "It's our duty to watch Prongs and accompany him on his quest. Besides, we deserve it."

"We deserve what?" asks Peter. His pointy nose is red from the wintry-cold air; buried in his heavy cloak he looks very much like the rodent he can turn into.

Sirius sighs and throws an arm around his friend's round shoulder. "Peter, Peter. Have you forgotten what we've suffered all these years from Potter being an incurable lovesick fool? I freely admit it, sometimes I felt like murdering him in his sleep, I really did!" Sirius exclaims dramatically. Remus grins because this is how Sirius used to be before he left his family – all absurdity and drama, joie de vivre and mischievous energy. "So don't you think that we deserve to witness the moment of his triumph?"

Peter's face lights up and he nods eagerly; so easy to manipulate, that boy. With a wide and toothy grin Sirius turns around to Remus, who only shrugs in mock exasperation. He knew what they were going to do in Hogsmeade after all, didn't he?

"Let's check the places Lily loves to go to. Prongs should be clever enough to keep his mouth shut and follow her like a good boyfriend." Trotting behind Sirius, whose arm is still casually slung around Peter, Remus can sympathise with James. The thought that this is somewhat justified leaves a warm fluttering feeling in his stomach.

"Padfoot, what are you planning to do when we find them?" asks Remus suspiciously.

Sirius flashes him another grin. "Don't you worry. I only want to make sure that he doesn't fuck it up." It's the _how _that leaves Remus worried.

Twenty minutes and uncountable times of chattering of teeth later, they find them – just as Remus predicted after their first unsuccessful visit at Madame Puddifoot's (as if Lily was _that_ kind of girl, really) – in the Three Broomsticks over steaming butterbeer, cheeks rosy and faces glowing. Sirius grumbles a little but adjusts to the situation very quickly. With a heartbreaking smile he walks over to the young waitress Rosmerta and orders three butterbeer and three bowls of stew. Remus seizes the opportunity and sits down at a table far away from _the two lovebirds,_ as Peter calls them. This, however, turns grumpy Sirius into scowling Sirius. Knowing his friend's mischievous streak it is for the better to keep him and the Head Students at a distance; the scowling can't be helped.

"Looks as if they're getting along just fine," says Peter and takes a big gulp of hot butterbeer. Remus turns his head as Lily leans back and laughs, bright and unrestrained. James, hair and eyes wild, looks a little smug but also like someone who cannot believe his luck. Remus throws a glance at Sirius, whose eyes are on his friend and his date as well, and whose facial expression is unreadable for once. Remus wonders whether he feels the same mixture of jealousy and happiness as he does. James certainly deserves this but do any of them deserve any less? Even if Sirius eventually plucks up the courage to tell James about them and James doesn't freak out, will they ever be able to enjoy their togetherness as openly as James and Lily? Certainly not, not even in front of all their friends since Peter makes rude and thoughtless remarks about his shirt-lifting second cousin on a regular basis.

Another no, then.

Remus sighs and tries his stew, noticing how hungry he is as he tastes the slightly salty broth. In a way – admittedly a very twisted way – this is like being with Sirius. He never knew what need and hunger were before Sirius pinned him against a wall and snogged him senseless. Or let Remus jerk him off, offering himself in a wanton way that left Remus weak in the knees. Or pressed against him in the Common Room, making Remus' breath hitch. Remus stares down at his stew, ridiculously hard under the table, and wonders when exactly he turned into a hormonal mess with less self-restraint than a six-year-old. Regardless the answer, unless he wills _it _down, this will be an uncomfortable afternoon.

"Yeah, looks like it." Sirius' voice startles him and Remus needs a second to realise that this refers to Peter's statement and it is indeed reassuring that Sirius cannot read his decidedly preoccupied mind. _Oh hell_.

Fortunately, it's only another ten minutes before Lily and James detect them, the latter making it very clear that they had better leave _now_.

"Prongs, we're only making sure that you don't ruin your only chance," smirks Sirius and looks gobsmacked when Lily asks slyly who said anything about only chances. James roars with laughter, Peter joins in and Remus can't suppress a grin himself. It's not easy to have one over Sirius Black. But it's only outside the Three Broomsticks that Sirius starts chuckling. He is in a particularly good mood as they move on from stalking James and Lily to Christmas shopping in Zonko's Joke Shop, Gladrags Wizardwear and Honeydukes. Remus has saved the little pocket money he gets and is very pleased that he can afford to buy his friends something decent for a change. Not surprisingly, he cannot decide on a present for Sirius just yet.

Two weeks go by and so does the last full moon of 1976. Lily hasn't dumped James and they spend a lot of time together, smiling and holding hands. One night, Remus catches them snogging in an alcove and, with a smirk, he reprimands them for being a bad example. James draws his wand and threatens him with a Langlock jinx if he doesn't shut up and disappear. Lily looks a little dazed with happiness and winks at him as he leaves.

Things are good and Remus supposes that he must be happy. However, the lie - or _omission_ as Sirius calls it - is constantly gnawing at his conscience; they have to tell James, or Sirius really, being his best friend and brother in everything but blood. James is a great friend and he deserves the truth. It tears Remus apart, this knowledge, because he doesn't want to lose what he has, doesn't want to lose Sirius, but the silence is wrong and will make things worse in the end. But whenever he is on the verge of telling James himself, Sirius comes along, all drugging kisses and greedy hands, and ruins his honourable plans. The worst is that Sirius confides in him more and more, his status as a lover offering him precious insight into Sirius' world. A strange world it is, full of ancient customs, guilt, old-fashioned moral codes and rebellious thoughts. Remus finally understands why Sirius defines himself through his daring pranks and crazy ideas. What he does not fully grasp, however, is why Sirius picked _him_. It has something to do with trust and friendship but Sirius' brain works in strange ways and Remus has always taken what he was given, without asking too many questions.

* * *

"Lupin, do you have a minute?" 

Remus looks up from his text on _Advanced Human Transfiguration and the Dangers Thereof_ and finds himself confronted with Neil Kennicot. His stomach sinks to around his knees.

"Er, sure. Is it a Prefect matter?" he asks hopefully.

"No, rather not," answers the other boy gravely and after a silent request and Remus' nod he sits down. He looks distressed. "You're friends with Black," Kennicot starts after a few uncomfortable seconds.

"Yeah." Never before has Remus desired so much that this wasn't true.

"Did he ever tell you that we…studied together for Astronomy?" Kennicot looks expectant and anxious and Remus wonders whether denying any knowledge of their little fling would be the best way out. On the other hand, he is curious.

"He may have used different words but yes, I know about it," answers Remus carefully, his face blank. His left hand holds on to the table rather painfully.

Kennicot lets out a relieved sigh. "I came to you because you don't look like you'd beat the shit out of me."

"Unlike James?" Remus asks, raising an eyebrow.

Kennicot chuckles, breathless and shaky. "I guess."

"I won't. Beat the shit out of you, I mean."

"Good. Er…look, Black and I stopped seeing each other a while ago and I wonder…does he ever mention me?"

Remus gives him a long look. The boy is very pale and obviously nervous and Remus realises that his feeling on Hallow'een was right; Kennicot _is_ hopelessly in love with Sirius, who is most likely deliberately ignorant of the fact.

"I'm sorry but I'm afraid not," says Remus kindly.

Kennicot nods, disappointment and resignation written all over his face. Remus feels pity for him because it is so damn easy to fall for Sirius and the boy next to him, who looks like a broken angel, did not even have what Remus has now, regardless of how long he can keep it. Kennicot searches for something and for one second Remus is afraid that the he will draw out a hanky and cry into it, but it's only an unsuspicious piece of parchment, neatly folded.

"It's silly and I know I should just get on and avoid any more humiliation…but could you give this to him?" Kennicot asks, holding out the letter. Remus knows he shouldn't act like he had any interest in helping the boy but he can't tell him the truth either and it's Sirius who should be dealing with this, not him.

"I will. But…don't expect anything, OK?"

Kennicot smiles sadly. "No, I just. I have to try. Thanks, Lupin. You're alright."

Remus cringes inwardly but smiles at the other boy, who gets up, hovering hesitantly for a second, nods his goodbye and leaves the library with measured steps. With a dull thump Remus' forehead meets the table. Sirius will be peeved.

He tries to resume studying but his thoughts revolve around the letter and Kennicot and whatever he may want from Sirius. With a frustrated sigh he closes his books and packs up.

James, Sirius and Peter aren't in the Common Room when Remus arrives and he doesn't find them in the dorm either. The letter burns a hole into his pocket, he can almost feel the paper searing the cloth. After some jittery pacing, Remus cools his face in the bathroom and heads back down, waiting for his friends.

He finds Lily, half covered by scrolls of parchment, by the fireplace. She is popular but the armchair next to her is empty, as if all other Gryffindors already understand that the place beside her is permanently taken. Remus feels a longing sting but shakes it off.

"Oh, hello, Remus." Lily _is_ beautiful but she is too down-to-earth to be ethereal. She radiates kindness and warmth, her green eyes sparkling with wit.

"Hi." Without hesitation, Remus flops into the vacated armchair.

"Are you well? You look a little peaky," says Lily and rolls up the piece of parchment she has been working on.

"Long day," answers Remus, offering a half-smile. He likes Lily but they never do more than small talk. Now, however, changes are in the air, tasting like companionship and understanding.

"Oy, get your own girl, Lupin!" James' voice booms through the room as he heads closer, robes swinging and hair standing up wildly in all directions. He is smiling broadly and swoops down on Lily for a kiss. Wordlessly, Remus gets up, looking over to the Portrait Hole, his eyes searching for Sirius. Sirius, who is his friend and more than a friend, confusing and enticing at the same time.

"No, their Keeper is alright --" Sirius claims, gesturing wildly.

"Is not! He's as lame on a broomstick as Snivellus," protests Peter. Fully immersed in the heated discussion, Sirius wants to reply when he notices Remus.

"What's eating you, mate?" he asks in a completely different voice, grey eyes intense and brow furrowed.

"I wish everyone could just stop acting like my mother." Remus rolls his eyes, a small smile in the corner of his mouth. Sirius makes a face, showing him two fingers, and walks over to their usual corner. The sofa is occupied by two third years, though not for long. Sirius flashes them a wily grin and draws his wand. That's enough for the two boys to pack up and rush out of the way. Sirius sprawls on the sofa as if it is his birthright and gestures Remus and Peter over to him. Remus sits down beside him, contemplating how knowing Sirius Black makes many things easier. And many not.

They settle into their new routine easily. Lily and James are flirting and kissing while Peter, Remus and Sirius study for N.E.W.T.s , plan pranks and talk nonsense in between. Sometimes James chimes in. Sometimes Sirius disturbs the couple with insinuating remarks. Sometimes Sirius and Remus stay up when everyone else heads to bed. Today, Remus waits for the opportune moment to deliver Kennicot's letter. When James and Lily go over a new schedule for patrols over Christmas and Peter is immersed in his essay for Transfiguration, Remus sees his chance.

He elbows Sirius and presses the letter into his hand. Sirius eyes him curiously and unfolds the parchment. Despite the usual distance they keep in public, Remus can feel Sirius tensing and from the corner of his eyes he can see his nose wrinkle as Sirius' eyes fly over the parchment. Remus jumps when Sirius screws up the letter in his fist and throws it into the fireplace, where it trembles as if in pain before it blackens.

"Padfoot, what--" asks James, curious.

"One of these love letters," mutters Sirius dismissively but when he sits down, he whispers to Remus, "Stay up." And Remus complies and sits while the rest of Gryffindor House gradually withdraws. He is infatuated with his brilliant, arrogant and now handsomely brooding friend and he cannot help it. So he stays through Peter's hearty yawns and James kissing Lily goodnight for ten minutes. Staying up means alone-time with Sirius, intimate talks and caresses or even heated arguments, and a small part of him loathes himself for craving this all too much. Finally, at half past twelve, it is only them and Remus braces himself for whatever comes next.

Sirius stares into the dying fire until there are no more hurried footsteps and all doors are closed. Remus stares at Sirius. The shadows of the languid flames dance over his aristocratic face and darken his sharp beauty, luring Remus closer.

"I'll talk to him over Christmas," says Sirius, his voice dark and reflective.

Remus blinks. "Kennicot?"

One elegant eyebrow raised, Sirius turns to look at him. "No, stupid. James."

"Oh," makes Remus, confused. It is no secret that Sirius will stay with the Potters for Christmas and he came to the same conclusion as Sirius, this _is_ the best opportunity to talk to James… but what about Kennicot?

Sirius skids closer and his sensual mouth is drawn into a slow, sweet smile, seductive like dark syrup. "Forget Kennicot. He won't bother you again," he says and kisses Remus, just as slow and sweet as his smile. Remus feels like drowning and doesn't mind at all. Their movements are languid like the shadows; even the burning in Remus' groin is low and languorous. The part of him that is never content wants to strip Sirius and see what his beautiful body looks like in the light of the fireplace. They never go this far though, not in the Common Room. Still, the fire was kindled that afternoon in November and during rare and rather hasty encounters in disused classrooms and sheltered alcoves and Remus senses that Sirius wants more, too, feels it in his touch and his kisses.

"Fuck, Moony," Sirius whispers as he finally draws back for air, looking deliciously debauched and needy. Remus _never_ felt less like stopping and needs a few seconds to gather himself. Yet, the pain is sweet and he wouldn't miss these late minutes with Sirius for the world.

"We need to --" Remus mumbles, straightening his robes.

"Yeah." Sirius reaches out, putting one long-fingered hand over Remus'. "Christmas, Moony."

"Yeah."

* * *

Three days before Christmas an owl from home arrives, splashing Remus' pumpkin juice all over the table. 

"Ewwww," yelps Peter and rubs his robes frantically.

Sirius, sitting opposite him, roles his eyes. "_Tergeo!_" A lazy flick of his wand and Peter's robes are as good as new. "Honestly, Wormtail, you're going to take N.E.W.T.s in a couple of months and you still can't manage a simple cleaning charm."

"Sorry," Peter mutters contritely. Currently forgotten by his friends, Remus unfastens the letter from the owl and opens the envelop.

"Oh no," he moans seconds later.

"What?" asks James, chewing on large piece of toast.

"I'll have to stay at Hogwarts over Christmas. My mum is going to stay at my aunt's," explains Remus glumly.

"The one that won't be in the same room with you?" Peter wants to know. Remus nods. Aunt Stella never got used to Remus' condition and hardly ever shows up at family meetings when Remus is there. His mother only goes and sees her sister when she and his father had a fight. Things must be bad if she cancels Christmas and Remus isn't sure whether he is upset or relieved not to spend the holidays at home. He cannot bear to hear his parents fighting, knowing that his condition is the reason. It's ironic that most children erroneously believe they are to blame for their parents' problems. In Remus' case it's true.

"I could ask my parents. We've got room enough," James offers and Remus gives him a grateful smile. One can always count on James. _But would it be the same if he knew?_ It might not be a bad idea to stay at Hogwarts after all. It will give him time to think.

"Thanks, Prongs, but no. I'd rather stay here. You know, with N.E.W.T.s coming up. I won't be able to read a single line when you and Padfoot are in the Christmas spirit."

"Don't blame Christmas. It's the eggnog," snickers Peter.

"Are you sure, mate?" James frowns. "My mum and dad like you. They're going to be happy to have one boy over who actually deserves presents." Sirius snorts into his juice.

"Yeah, don't worry about me." For Remus, the matter is solved.

* * *

The very next day, the Marauders are gathered in the Hospital Wing and this time it's not because of Remus. 

"Look, I didn't see it coming," explains Peter weakly.

"Pete, we were duelling bloody Slytherins. How could you not see this coming? They _always_ fight dirty." Sirius paces up and down, looking upset.

"I know." Peter is pale from blood loss. Snape used his favourite spell at him, slicing him open from chest to hipbone. The cuts were not deep but they bled like hell.

"Don't you worry, I'll hex his sorry arse to the moon and back." Sirius smiled his wicked smile, eyes glistening coldly.

"No, you won't," says James and Remus isn't the only one who stares at him in surprise. "I'm all for hexing Slytherins but it was you two against four of them. Padfoot, you're so bloody stupid sometimes. What did you think would happen? You can't take Avery, Snape, your brother and Rosier all on your own. You know that Wormtail isn't as good at duelling as you are. This was bound to happen and I'm sick of fighting stupid fights. We're going to leave school soon enough and then it's real duels with real enemies."

"Fine," Sirius snaps grimly. "Be like that, _Head Boy_."

James looks as though he wants to retort but then he grins. "Five points from Gryffindor for being an annoying brat, Black." Sirius walks over to James and pats him on the back, barking with laughter. At times like this, Remus is confident that everything will turn out fine. James will always come around because he and Sirius have this strange bond Remus has never fully understood. They cannot be mad at each other for more than a couple of days because they _need_ each other. (Naturally, for very different reasons but this need is mutual nonetheless.)

The door opens and Madam Pomfrey bustles in, carrying a tray with several potions and salves. One of the potions is of a disgusting green and Remus pities Peter already for having to drink it.

"Out of the way, you three," Madam Pomfrey says briskly. "It's no use waiting for Mr Pettigrew. He will have to stay here overnight."

No moaning and complaining will sway Poppy's determination, the Marauders know that much after years of visiting Remus in the Infirmary or being patients themselves – Quidditch and pranks demanding their tribute. So they wave Peter goodnight and leave. After all, it's only one night and tomorrow everyone will leave for the holidays.

* * *

Remus leans against the headboard of his bed and pretends to revise his History of Magic notes while James is stuffing clothes, sweets and non-identifiable items that only James would keep into his trunk. Remus will miss his friends, he always does. Even worse, he will miss Sirius' proximity and their hurried kisses between classes, their secret meetings in the common room. Maybe he should have accepted James' invitation after all. 

All of a sudden, the door opens with a bang and Sirius enters, looking determined and uncommonly serious, his black hair looking as if torn. Remus sits up and eyes him curiously.

"Oy, Padfoot, you should get packed," smiles James. Sirius stops at James' bed, resolutely not looking at his best friend.

"James, I won't come home with you. I'll stay here with Remus."

James turns quickly and Remus drops his notes, startled by Sirius' words and their meaning. What on earth is he on about?

"What?" James frowns. "Why? My parents are expecting you."

"No, they aren't. I wrote to them yesterday. They know." Sirius looks and sounds tense, a sign that he means business. Remus stomach drops.

"So you told them before you told me?" asks James, hurt.

"Yeah, sorry 'bout that," mumbles Sirius and starts playing with the curtains on James' bed.

"So…why? Remus said he's fine. I offered him --"

"I know you did," Sirius cuts in, looking at James for the first time. "I want to spend some time with him. _Alone_." James is stunned and his mouth forms an _O._ "Yeah, listen. I figured you'd need some time to think about this a-- don't look at me like this, Potter!"

James' face bears indeed a reproachful expression and his gaze flickers from Sirius to Remus, who shrugs helplessly. Sirius should have prepared him for this! He isn't supposed to be here at all.

"You two…you said it was nothing. You said you wouldn't….both of you. Why didn't you tell me?"

Remus clears his throat. He isn't good at confrontations and avoids them at all costs but he can't just sit there and stare. "I'm sorry, James, but--"

"Yeah, we're both sorry and I'm telling you now," Sirius interjects impatiently.

"Were you having a good laugh behind my back then? Is Peter in on the joke, too?" James asks childishly, reproachfully.

Sirius radiates indignation. "Don't be absurd. Why would we tell Wormtail? He calls his cousin _Mac the fag_. Do you think this is easy for Moony and me? I wanted to tell you but I didn't know when because…well, we both knew you were not going to like it."

James apparently forgets all about Remus and turns his full attention back to Sirius. "No, I don't like it. Damn it, Sirius, why Moony?"

Sirius snorts. "Why Evans?"

James looks irritated. "You can't compare this."

"Why the hell not?" barks Sirius, his hands clenching and unclenching nervously.

"Because he's our mate."

Listening to them, excluded as he is, Remus feels confirmed that he shouldn't be there. They certainly fight as though he _isn't_ there and this argument seems to be as private as it can possibly get. Right now, Lily would not have a place in this room, either, and this is confusing because Lily is James' girlfriend but Remus is their friend, their mate, a fellow Marauder.

"You lied to me," James continues and ruffles his hair. "You lied although you knew I was fine with you going for blokes."

"I know you weren't," Sirius accuses James. "_Aren't_. You're so _not_ fine with it, so stop this bullshit."

"I'm not stopping," bellows James and closes his trunk with a bang. Remus jumps.

"Go on then! Go on lying to me and yourself! At the end of the day you'll have to face it. I'm not who you want me to be!"

"You're like my brother!"

Sirius shoots James a dark look and throws his hands up in exasperation. "Oh, come off it, Potter. If you had a brother he would fit into your perfect family and go on double dates with you and Evans."

"That was low," snaps James, indignant. "I don't ask much of you, Black, but can't you keep your hands off your friends? _Our_ friends? Merlin, we need to share a dorm! If you and Remus ever fell out --"

"Do you honestly believe that nothing will ever change? We hardly see you around because you spend all your time with Evans. It's not going to be us four forever."

James eyes him sceptically. "Is this about Lily?"

"NO!" booms Sirius. "It's not about you and Evans. Damnit, I left my fucking family because they wanted to tell me how to live my life. Don't you dare try the same, Potter!"

"But you swore that you wouldn't pursue things with Moony. You said...you _said_, you would be a better friend. Instead you're being selfish as usual."

Sirius looks downright furious now but his voice is silky and low. "Yeah, maybe I am. Perhaps I'm selfish. It's very selfish indeed to want a little happiness myself after all the crap I've been through. Yeah, very selfish to refuse to stop just because it's not what _you_ want and doesn't fit into your picture of what I'm supposed to be like. But tell me, James, who is being immature and selfish now?"

James readjusts his glasses and steps closer to Sirius, so that they are only a couple of inches apart. The tension is tangible by now and Remus wonders whether his shoe would bounce off them if he were to throw it. He chides himself for this silly thought immediately.

"Alright, alright," says James. "You want Remus, I get it. But have you thought for one minute what _Remus_ wants? He told me he wasn't sure he liked this…_this attention_ of yours. He is not like you, damnit!"

Remus takes a deep breath but Sirius' eyes narrow and there is no stopping him now. His head spins around to Remus and he takes two steps in his direction, grey eyes deep and cold like the sea. "Yeah, Moony. What do you want? Maybe I forced you into this and _used you again_ because that's what James here really wants to say, right Potter?" His cutting voice is dripping with sarcasm.

James blanches. "No, that's not--"

"WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM THEN?" thunders Sirius.

"My fucking problem is that you risk our friendship for a little fling!" snaps James, hazel eyes blazing with fury.

Remus flinches and his mouth is dry when he says, "A little fling? That's what you think?"

"For fuck's sake, yes!" James bites out through gritted teeth, not looking at Remus, maybe not even realising that it was Remus who said it.

"That's…hardly fair." Remus' voice is surprisingly calm and firm and finally, James seems to remember his presence, looking at him a little sheepishly.

"Moony…I just. I want things to go back to normal. Like they were _before_…you know what I mean." James sounds desperate.

"Sure," snarls Sirius. "Let's turn back time, James. We stop being inconvenient fags when you stop dating Evans."

Fast, all too fast, James is all over Sirius and shoves him hard. Sirius stumbles but doesn't fall. "Are you complete bonkers, Black?" James asks, raising his voice. "You bloody can't!" Another shove.

"I bloody can't _what_?" Sirius asks as he shoves back. James falls on the wooden floor with a dark thump.

"YOU CAN'T COMPARE THIS! I'M IN LOVE WITH LILY!"

"AND I'M IN LOVE WITH--" Sirius's voice breaks abruptly and his whole body deflates. He turns to Remus, looking anxious and very young and vulnerable, as if he expects some sort of punishment. Remus doesn't know whether James replies because his heart beats so loudly, he can't hear anything else. Sirius' mouth opens but nothing comes out and Remus wants to hug him, that's what he really wants right now, but he isn't sure whether this would be the right thing to do, Sirius being who he is. One can never be sure with Sirius' mercurial temper.

Of course, Remus knows that it isn't only kissing and fumbling for Sirius. He has known as much since the Boggart incident and he sees it in the smiles Sirius bestows on him when they are alone. He just hasn't expected him to shout his feelings out to the world, or at least James, which is probably the same for Sirius, because this is big and scary and brilliant and they never said it before, not really. Remus is as shocked as Sirius because they have been friends too long to go nuts like James with Lily and despite the usual pretences they are only teenage boys, something that Remus has to tell himself a lot and all the time. He doesn't need to remind himself that he will never be as normal as his friends but it took a while until he realised that Sirius feels the same. This shouldn't be so awkward, not when he wants to kiss Sirius silly for talking before thinking this time.

"You…Erm, you --" James is stunned into incoherence. He looks as shocked and lost as Sirius and ironically, they now turn to Remus to show them a way out.

"James," Remus says evenly, "I think that's enough. If you're dead against us we won't pursue this, no, we won't Padfoot." Sirius' lips are a thin line and his jaws work furiously but he keeps silent under Remus' determined gaze. Resolutely, Remus turns his attention back to James. "I expect you to think about this over the holidays and write me an owl before they end. I can't say that I'm not disappointed --"

"Moony --"

"Don't, James. I am disappointed because I thought that our friendship meant more to you. You accepted a werewolf as your friend and I have to be grateful for that but…I don't know. Imagine someone only wanted to be friends with you if you broke up with Lily. I cannot speak for Sirius but I need some fresh air and frankly, I don't want to see you right now."

Remus speaks in a low voice but his friends listen. James has the decency to blush and look ashamed. Not all is lost then. After grabbing his cloak and scarf, Remus' hand brushes Sirius' as he walks past him. Since it is after curfew, nobody is in the staircase or the common room. Remus is surprised that nobody disturbed them, James and Sirius were loud enough to wake at least the sixth years. But then, all of Gryffindor house is used to the Marauders' antics.

He walks straight up to the Astronomy tower, being lucky enough not to meet Filch and his cat. It's snowing again and his feet sink in to his ankles, the cold substance invading his shoes like Sirius' words his mind. _"And I'm in love with --" _Well, him. Sirius loves him. Not in a friendly, brotherly fashion, he is _in love_ with him.

Remus exhales slowly, his eyes fixed on a non-specific point right in the swirling whiteness over the Forbidden Forest. As he stands there, his feet cold and damp, his breath misty in front of him and his coat white from the newly falling snow, he realises something he has been ignoring for a while because it's safer not to dwell on it. It's a scary and wonderful thought, full of promises and possibilities, potential hurt and heartbreak.

He hears the door opening with a light creak. Sirius has found him. He closes his eyes and savours the moment, this particular moment where he had to own up to it. Not sure whether he can say it, he can't stop thinking it.

_I love him, too._

--- End of part one. Part two of chapter five coming soon.---

* * *

**Feedback **is adored and will be glomped to the floor! 


	6. no stopping part two

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and consequently belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything remotely related to Dylan Thomas' poem _Sometimes the sky's too bright_ either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
**Note: **Here is the second part of the fifth chapter. I hope it turned out good enough to be worth the long wait. Thanks to my excellent betas and my reviewers!

* * *

_No stopping (II)_

"Moony," Sirius says as softly as the falling snow and Remus opens his eyes. Even now with James having rumpled his robes as well as his pride, Sirius is too handsome for his own good and Remus wants to kiss icy-cold lips, a faint-pink temptation in Sirius' pale face, to assure himself that this is not just a midwinter's tale. Snowflakes are caught in Sirius' black eyelashes, making him blink.

It's curious how hard it is to find the right words, any words, when silence is so much simpler and terrifying in its allure. When he eventually finds his voice, Remus can't say more than "I'm sorry," and he doesn't even know what for.

"'s OK," is Sirius' mumbled reply and then it's Sirius who kisses him first, only a shadow of a kiss, and pulls him into a fierce hug. Remus' throat constricts and he is only seventeen and what else can he do but hug Sirius back, clutch his shoulders and hold him tight?

The snow swirls around them and Remus can hardly feel his fingers digging into the rough wool of Sirius' cloak. Sirius, whose breath is warm against his cheek and whose hand is entangled in his damp hair.

"What about James?" Remus asks after a while, when he is sure that his voice will obey.

"Forget about Potter for a minute."

Not daring to let go just yet, Remus holds on to his friend, glad not to be alone. "Can't," he whispers faintly.

"I know." And Sirius pulls away, a shadow of a grin on his wan face. "It's bloody cold though."

Remus smiles back and it hurts in the cold. "Yeah, it is."

A strange gleam in his deep grey eyes, Sirius asks, "Moony…I know I didn't really ask you before and that thing with James is a real mess but I can face it, I can, just…are _we_ alright?"

Sirius' insecurity evokes a warm feeling in Remus' chest and it is strange to know that arrogant and aloof Sirius Black needs this one constant in his life more than Remus does. And so he answers, "Yes, Padfoot. We're alright," even if nothing else is.

* * *

Remus can remember a time when breakfast was a gloomier affair but this one is far from being comfortable and light-hearted. Sirius eats nothing, the spoon stirring his porridge magically but as listlessly as Sirius would himself. If the frown on James' forehead was any deeper it would hurt his brain. Peter, clueless and good-natured Peter, doesn't understand what's going on and looks hurt, doubtlessly because he feels left out once more. In contrast to yesterday, Remus wants to see him and James gone because he cannot bear James' contrite and Peter's reproachful faces any longer. It's almost Christmas, for Merlin's sake, and Remus wants to spend his last Christmas at Hogwarts without self-accusations and brooding, even though his parents are unwilling to lay aside their quarrels and at least two of his best friends are in a huff. 

When he reaches for the butter, James opens his mouth but decides against breaking the silence. The spoon in Sirius' porridge clinks loudly against the bowl.

* * *

Even after the horseless carriages are out of sight, Remus keeps standing at the second floor window. For a brief moment he felt privileged that the horseless carriages are indeed still horseless for him but now he is back to being a teenage boy whose parents are at odds and who is left behind in a desolate castle with a just as desolate and lonely friend. Merlin knows where Sirius is, he disappeared shortly before James and Peter left for home and Remus hasn't seen him since. 

Remus doesn't see any good in brooding in a cold corridor for much longer and so he goes down to the Great Hall, where Professor Flitwick is decorating the huge trees Hagrid carried inside.

"Can I assist you, professor?"

His Charms teacher gives him a beaming smile. "Certainly, Mr Lupin, certainly," he says in his squeaky voice.

And so Remus spends some time levitating fairies, candles and mistletoes.

"Very, good. Very good, Lupin. I have no doubt that you'll have no problems whatsoever with your Charms exam," the tiny professor says when they are almost finished.

Remus smiles. "Thank you, professor." It won't do him any good, of course. A werewolf who can charm icicles on Christmas trees is as unwanted as a werewolf with no magical skills at all. Flitwick seems to have read his mind.

"You'll make your way, lad."

Remus blushes slightly and nods.

* * *

Dinner is a splendid affair, it being Christmas after all. Hungrily, Remus loads his plate with potatoes and roast turkey and pools thick and dark gravy over it. He and Sirius are the only seventh year Gryffindors and Remus doesn't feel like talking to a third year, who smiles at him dreamily whenever he looks in her direction. So he sits alone and lets his eyes wander through the hall. Not many students have stayed at Hogwarts and Remus is very surprised to see Regulus Black sitting at the magically shrunk Slytherin table, chatting with one of his fifth year friends. Despite the excellent food and the festive decoration, it is nothing compared to any former Christmas Remus has experienced at Hogwarts. Dumbledore is gone, no doubt called to another emergency, and Remus misses his unique carols. Sirius doesn't show up and Remus is tempted to let him starve, the stubbornly moping bastard, but he packs some crumpets and two turkey sandwiches. 

Back in Gryffindor Tower there is still no Sirius and so he searches their dormitory for the Marauder's Map and eventually finds it among James' Quidditch magazines. Remus is worried but also quite peeved by now. It's not his fault that James isn't excited about them and why does everything in Sirius' life border on melodrama? His anger disappears when he sees the little blotch that is Sirius in the Owlery. Daft idiot. James won't write so soon and he'll get pneumonia standing in the cold all day. But perhaps he was clever enough to use a Heating Charm.

It's two hours later that the door opens and Sirius stumbles into the room, looking positively frozen. No Heating Charm then.

Remus, who has occupied himself with revising Potions ingredients, says as casually as possible, "Have you been up there all day?"

Sirius' face goes blank. "What do you mean?" he asks just as casually. Remus sighs and gets up slowly, his legs a little numb from sitting in one position for hours. He looks at Sirius, who is all wintry cold, and wonders how he could ever miss Sirius' vulnerability when it comes to those he cares about. No, he didn't _want_ to see then, he chides himself. James' voice echoes in his head. _Skin and bones_.

"It doesn't matter, forget it," Remus says evenly. "Just don't go there tomorrow, OK? And here, I brought you something to eat." Hunger flashes through Sirius' eyes as Remus points at the turkey sandwich on Sirius' bed. Seconds later Sirius is wolfing down the first sandwich.

"Pads," Remus says and Sirius looks at him almost pleadingly. He cannot drop it though. "I'm not happy about this either, yeah? It's just…you decided to stay here, so I want you to _be_ here, right?"

Sirius looks taken aback by Remus' blunt request but he nods obediently before going back to devouring the sandwiches Remus brought him. Remus doesn't like seeing Sirius like that and heads to the bathroom. When he comes back, clad in his pyjama and feet cold from standing barefoot on the wooden floor too long, the curtains to Sirius' bed are closed. With a heavy, uneasy feeling in his stomach Remus goes to bed and falls into a deep, exhausted sleep.

He wakes in the middle of the night, when a trembling body crawls in beside him. "S-Sirius?" he mumbles, half-asleep.

"I don't want to sleep alone," Sirius says in a small voice that makes Remus' arms wrap around him automatically.

"Don't have to," slurs Remus, his head and eyelids heavy, and draws Sirius' cold body closer. He is asleep seconds later.

* * *

A heavy weight is draped around and all over Remus the next morning and it is making content little noises. Blinking in the sallow light between night and day, muffled by heavy curtains Sirius forgot to close behind him, Remus discovers that he could get used to this warm and cosy pile of boyish Siriusness in his bed. 

He is a heavy bastard nonetheless.

"Geroff," he mutters and tries to disentangle himself from this black-haired, snuffling huddle.

"Ngha," makes Sirius and rolls aside, one arm still resting on Remus' stomach, looking as if he belongs.

Remus cannot suppress a soppy smile and reaches out to smooth an unruly strand of hair. Sirius turns his head just as his fingertips touch the heavy, black tress, and his bright grey eyes startle him.

"Morning," says Sirius and just like that, Remus has received the best Christmas present imaginable.

"Morning, Pads." They sound strange, these familiar words, strange because they share a bed and there is no safe distance. He blinks when Sirius' hand sneaks under his pyjama top, five sleep-dry fingers in search of skin. It's thrilling, this unwonted intimacy, and heat pools into decidedly less innocent places. Before he knows it, his hand mirrors Sirius' and he draws Sirius closer again, enjoying the feel of warm skin.

"Hmm," makes Sirius and moves in for a kiss. His tongue laps at his, sleep-stale breath sweetened by fresh desire, and Remus can't help but moan into his mouth. Sirius' hand wanders down and tugs on his pyjama bottoms, clumsy and impatient, and there is no stopping them now. It is too early to get up anyway.

They fall asleep a second time, naked, sweaty and sated, though Sirius fortunately remembers to cast a Cleaning charm.

This time, the sun shines all too bright on Remus' face when he wakes up. Sirius' lashes flutter against his neck, tickling on sensitive skin. His breathing isn't regular enough to belong to a sleeping Sirius.

"You should have woken me. It's Christmas and there will be presents."

Sirius mumbles something that could have been _there is still time_ but also _already got mine_.

"Let's get up then," says Remus, trying to hide his blush.

He reaches for his pyjama bottoms when Sirius asks, "Moony, do you remember…well, do you remember the stuff I told you about my father?"

Remus freezes and turns to look at Sirius. "Yes, of course."

"Do you want to have sex?" Sirius blurts out. "I mean, with me."

"Right now?" asks Remus stupidly, utterly surprised but the turn of events.

Sirius grins. "No, you git. I mean, you know, at all." He sounds a little anxious and Remus understands because nobody before him has got this offer.

"Not before James owls back," replies Remus after a few seconds, trying to sound less excited at the prospect than he really is.

"What? What has Prongs got to do with it?"

"A lot actually. Look, Padfoot, I'd rather ask myself for years what it would be like than trying to forget what it felt like."

Sirius looks at him for a long moment and then nods. "I suppose you're right. I don't like it though. I hate being dependent on others, even if it's bloody James Potter."

"I know."

All of a sudden, Sirius jumps out of bed and pulls his pyjama back on. "Presents, Moony!" He exclaims at Remus' shocked expression.

* * *

There is no letter among their presents. Sirius shrugs it off but his eyes are bright with disappointment. Remus knows that James only takes the time he needs and does not torture them on purpose. He would love to talk to him now because James has a way to make complicated things easy and laugh problems off. Most likely, Sirius feels the same but they have only each other and neither of them has James' cheerful optimism. 

"Wow, Moony!" Sirius holds up Remus' present – a miniature chess set – and is beaming at him. Sirius loves playing wizard chess though he is spectacularly bad at it. He lacks Peter's patience, James' capability of thorough planning and Remus' strategic mind. Remus loves playing with him nonetheless because Sirius does not falter to sacrifice important pieces and his random brilliance is always good for surprises. "It's a great present, thanks," says Sirius, his tone warm and affectionate.

"You're welcome." Remus unwraps Peter's present and finds a fine collection of various inks. From James he got a set of quills and a surprise packet from Zonko's, which rattles and ticks disquietingly.

"You can open mine, you know. It won't attack you," smirks Sirius.

Remus shows him two fingers before reaching for his gift.

It turns out to be a thick woollen scarf, nothing spectacularly original to the uninformed observer. Remus, however, knows the meaning of the soft crimson scarf at once. The previous winter, Sirius borrowed and lost Remus' favourite one and normally he would have bought him another scarf right away, laughing it off and teasing Remus for having to wear the scratchy school scarf. But he had been disinherited and owned nothing but the clothes he had worn the day he ran away from home and the things the Potters bought him afterwards. So Remus said nothing, went silent like he always does, and Sirius apparently forgot, not only the scarf but also that one does not betray a friend's secrets.

Remus' "thank you," comes out a little scratchily but he isn't a soppy girl and consequently he manages a wide and steadfast smile. The scarf is warm and familiar in his hands, the wool feeling very soft and expensive.

* * *

The next day comes and goes without a letter and it's getting to them both. They do not talk about it. Sirius is fidgety, full of pent-up energy. He isn't used to waiting and lapses into dark silences, interrupted by intervals of defiant cheerfulness. In the afternoon, he disappears for two hours and comes back with a bottle of Firewhiskey. They get drunk but not merrily. 

On the third day, Remus' nerves are close to tearing.

"Hey, Padfoot, let's go outside for a while," he suggests after breakfast.

Sirius shakes his head and does not look over to the window.

"Fine, I'll go by myself then." Remus grabs his cloak and scarf (the new one) and almost runs outside. The day is cloudy and cold. There will be more snow. The lake is frozen and covered in white and Remus feels like breaking the surface, breaking something, anything. He doesn't, of course, because the lake will freeze over again and new snow will cover the edges. Halfway around the lake his feet are numb with cold and Remus decides to head back to the castle and persuade Sirius to a kitchen raid. In the distance, smoke is coming out of the chimney of Hagrid's hut.

When he reaches the seventh floor and walks around the corner he sees an unexpected picture. Right in front of the Fat Lady stand Sirius and the third year, who is wont to smile at Remus. Well, now she smiles shyly at Sirius, who – to Remus' surprise – isn't his usual aloof self and talks to her quite animatedly. Sirius sweeps his hair back and grins cockily and Remus sees her cheeks redden. But no, he refuses to be jealous of a third year and makes his way over to them. It's Sirius who sees him first.

"Ah, Moony, there you are," he says too cheerfully by far. The girl, however, blushes dramatically and flees in the other direction.

"Care to fill me in?" asks Remus, one eyebrow raised.

Sirius chuckles. "You jealous?"

Remus doesn't answer, only looks at him.

"Don't you worry, Moonykins, I'm quite fond of your cock," Sirius says, grinning and obviously enjoying to see Remus blushing. "But…I'm not the only one. Little Angelina fancies you and asked me about your _preferences_."

Remus groans. "No, she didn't! What did you say?" Sirius' grin widens. "No, don't tell me. I probably don't want to know. Just tell me whether she will run away every time our paths cross."

"Well, I can't guarantee for _each and every _time…" Sirius looks so very pleased with himself that Remus pokes him in the side. "Oy, I rescued you from uncomfortable silences and making most embarrassing excuses."

"Maybe," says Remus, the corners of his mouth quirking involuntarily upwards. "Are you up to a kitchen raid?"

Sirius only looks at him before he heads down the corridor. Smiling, Remus follows.

They fall asleep in Sirius' bed that night, their bellies filled with éclairs and chocolate cake, taking comfort in each other.

* * *

Remus wakes from Sirius snoring into his ear or at least he thinks that's the reason before he recognises the steady tapping sound for what it is. He ignores his body's inclination to snuggle closer to the sleep-warm boy next to him and rolls out of bed, blinking violently to banish his drowsiness. 

He scuffles over to the window and, recognising James' Horus, hurries to let the bird in. His heart is beating fast in his chest and his palms are sweaty at the sight of the small parcel the owl carries. Flapping its wings, the bird hops inside, tilts its head and looks almost expectantly at Remus with huge round eyes as he closes the window behind it.

"Hush, let me get the message without waking Sirius," whispers Remus urgently. There is a letter on top of the parcel and Remus is relieved to find it addressed to him. Whatever the message, he is sure that he can handle it better than Sirius. With flying hands, he breaks the seal, and opens the letter.

_Moony,_

_Enclosed is a belated Christmas present. I suppose you know what to do with this stuff. Use it well._

_Prongs_

_P.S. Don't tell me how well you use it. Say hello to Padfoot and tell him that I ate all of mum's Christmas cake._

Curiously, Remus unwraps the parcel and opens the little box inside. He has to bite his lip hard to keep the laughter at bay. Resting on blue velvet, there is a small phial labelled as _The Broom Polisher's Finest – Paramount Lubrication for Special Occasions_.

Remus stares at the parcel and the letter and can't believe it. It's better than he expected as there are no apologies, no long-winded explanations and no awkward excuses. (Not that they are needed, they are Marauders after all.) Giddy with relief, he beams at Horus and the world in general and doesn't know what to do first. He sets down the parcel on the windowsill, lifts it up, puts it down again, and wrings his hands before letting the owl out. Horus hoots indignantly, as he is ushered out of the window.

"Sorry, don't have anything for you here. I'll make up for it," he says in a low voice, his thoughts with the sleeping boy only a few feet away. As soon as Horus is out, he grabs the parcel and almost jumps onto Sirius' bed.

"Whazza," mumbles Sirius and peeks at him through his fringe.

"Prongs. He wrote," says Remus breathlessly. His cheeks are glowing and for the first time he can look at Sirius without being scared.

Sirius' body stiffens and his eyes grow wide in an instance. "What? When? Let me see!"

Remus hands him the letter and the parcel. When Sirius finds the phial he lets out a bark of laughter. "Tosser," he mutters fondly and grins happily at Remus. "I'd have loved to see his face when he bought it." Remus chuckles. Placing box and letter carefully on his bed, Sirius says, "Let's go for a ride."

"What?" asks Remus, nonplussed.

"It's light out there. It's going to be a sunny day, so let's take a ride before breakfast. I feel like flying," babbles Sirius excitedly. His whole face is shining with excitement and happiness.

"Alright then."

Ten minutes later they soar through the biting winter morning air, round the towers of Hogwarts castle and through the extensive grounds. Remus doesn't feel his ears anymore and his stomach grumbles but whenever he looks over to Sirius, he feels it, too, and can only go faster. Until now he hasn't understood how much of a burden this uncertainty had been. Of course, James' letter cannot undo the argument or brush away all of Remus' fears. But Remus doesn't want to doubt anymore and he doesn't want to have this nagging fear that he cannot trust Sirius completely because how can he not love the boy who can do three loops in a row without falling off his broom even in midwinter?

"Woohoo," Sirius whoops and does a fourth loop. Remus feels light-headed by only watching him. It's not that he couldn't embrace the world right now but can't help craving a hearty breakfast first.

"Padfoot, as much fun as it is, I'm starving," he yells up against the wind.

Sirius looks down to him, his black hair shaggy from the wind, and blows him a kiss. "Can't have that," he grins widely, nose-diving towards him. It's a game they've been playing since second year and Remus stirs his broom aside at the last moment, trying to steal Sirius' scarf but failing miserably as Sirius whooshes by.

They play tag on the way to the Great Hall and Sirius cheerfully changes the colour of his brother's tie into Hufflepuff house colours. Red-cheeked and wind-tousled, Sirius never looked more gorgeous to Remus. As if he read his mind, Sirius looks up from his plate, bacon still on his fork, and gives Remus a dazzling smile, making his heart stop for a second.

"I like having this effect on you," he grins cockily.

"Big deal. You're having this effect on most people," counters Remus.

"But I don't care about _most people_," replies Sirius, his smile going a little softer on the edges. Remus looks down into his porridge.

* * *

As much as the last days dragged by this one goes by in a blur. Full of cheerful energy, Sirius rushes from one activity to another and Remus can only keep up with him, feeling elated and ridiculously happy himself. It's past five in the afternoon and completely dark when Remus admits his defeat and drops the last snowball. Sirius crows in triumph and tackles Remus to the ground. 

"Oy, who's there?" booms a deep voice. Sirius lets go of Remus' writs and sits up slowly. A huge furry figure with a sooty lantern comes into view.

"It's only us, Hagrid," says Remus, breathless and hair wet from the snow.

Hagrid swings his lantern back and fro. "Yeh two look like Yetis. Why are yer still out here?"

"I guess we forgot the time," says Sirius, grinning happily.

Hagrid grunts. "Yeh had better head up ter the castle, yer two."

"Already going, Hagrid." Sirius pulls Remus up and knocks the snow off his cloak.

Hagrid chuckles. "Ah, ter be young." Remus smiles at him and waves before making his way back to Hogwarts. His feet are tingling with cold and snow is melting on his back where Sirius stuffed it under his robes but he is strangely reluctant to call it a day. They meet McGonagall on the marble staircase but apparently she is still in the Christmas spirit and doesn't say anything to their snow-soaked state. She restricts herself to a disapproving look over her square glasses.

"A kingdom for a hot shower!" exclaims Remus, as they enter their dormitory, and takes his heavy and wet cloak off. Sirius' hand on his shoulder makes him stop.

"A Drying Charm will do for now. We're late for dinner and I'm starving."

Remus shrugs, really wanting that shower but also very hungry himself. Sirius grins, "I'll make up for it. There are no ickle Gryffindor boys at Hogwarts. It's only us." Remus turns and eyes Sirius, whose grin widens and, good Merlin, licks his lips in a completely inappropriate manner for a boy who talks only about showers.

Remus nods jerky consent and searches his clammy clothes for his wand.

* * *

"See, everything's better with pork chops and treacle tart in one's belly," says Sirius, smiling contentedly like a milk-fed cat. Not that a cat would look content under a spray of steaming, hot water. 

"It's a miracle that you can still move," teases Remus and splashes water into Sirius' face.

"You must talk," scoffs Sirius and pokes Remus' soap-lather covered belly. The subsequent wrestling match ends with Sirius pressed against the cold tiles.

"Pushy, aren't we?" he says nonchalantly, water dripping from his chin, but Remus feels his heart hammering in his chest. A drop of water clings to his lower lip and Remus leans in to lick it off. It is as though they have been dancing around this, precisely _this_, all day, ever since James' letter and the parcel arrived. Sirius sighs into the kiss, anxious tension melting away and changing into a different kind of tension as their hands start exploring, stroking, groping. Time flies by when Sirius nips his neck and rolls his hips in a wholly distracting way, when Remus can watch his cheeks redden and eyes grow dark with lust.

But today is special, he feels it, and it takes all of his willpower to draw away and say, "I think I'm clean enough now. Let's get back to the dorm before we shrivel up."

"That's far from being an option right now," Sirius replies hoarsely, his obvious desire making Remus grin. "Oh, stop grinning like that. You know I'll do _anything_ if you do that," he adds.

"Anything?"

"Yeah. I'm afraid so," Sirius says and turns the water off before running his hands through his wet hair, sweeping it out of his face. He says it matter-of-factly and Remus has no doubt that he means it, a fact that gives him a secret thrill. Sirius' devotion to him still seems unfathomable at times but Remus can accept it now without questioning. For all their differences they are lucky to have each other. It's the way it is and watching Sirius rubbing the towel down his body is certainly one of the benefits of putting up with him. "What?" asks Sirius uneasily as he catches Remus staring.

"I'm just wondering how long it can take to rub that skinny body of yours dry," taunts Remus.

"Nice try, Lupin, but years of adoration by most witches at this school – Madam Pomfrey included – have fortified my innate narcissism. Besides, you're drooling," grins Sirius and wriggles his hips. Ten minutes and much touching later they both come to lie on Sirius' bed and Remus has lost all of his bravado. He _wants _so very much that it hurts but he finds it hard to articulate what needs to be said.

"Uhm."

Sirius' grey eyes are so very distracting, especially when they are filled with affection and darkened with desire as they are now. Tilting his head, he looks at Remus expectantly.

"I…the thing is. Well. I--"

"Shut up, Moony. I trust you. You can…you know, if you want to," Sirius says in a rush, cheeks pink with excitement or embarrassment or something else entirely, and presses the phial into Remus' cold hand. Remus props himself on his elbows and stares at the boy hovering over him.

"Oh," he makes, stunned into ineloquence, and he really wants to kick himself for being so inarticulate. This is something he has not expected, would not have expected in a hundred years. Whenever his fantasies went this far it had always been Sirius in control and seeing him handing it over without second thoughts, trusting and artless, is disarming to say the least. It is tempting, the thought of taking it, taking Sirius, but Remus wants this other experience too, wants it first. This is the part that makes it different from doing it with a girl and just this once he can do something different because he wants to, chooses to, and not because of a dark curse. Apart from that, Remus doubts that he has enough self-control to do the doing just now and Sirius' readiness to trust him with his virginity without even blinking is proof enough for…_everything_.

Sirius' voice cuts through his tumultuous thoughts. "Moony?"

Remus blinks. "No, I don't want…I want you to…"

"Bugger you?" says Sirius, luscious mouth drawn into a mischievous grin. "We're bloody pathetic. We've been talking and joking about this for ages and now we can't even say the words."

"Well, yeah, but it's just different when you're naked," protests Remus, laughing silently. For all their nervous teasing and babbling, he cannot stop touching Sirius' smooth skin, cooled down after the shower and feeling oh so good. Sirius wets his lips, full and dark against his light skin, and all Remus can do is lean forward and kiss him, sucking on his lower lip and grazing it with his teeth until Sirius kisses him back, deeply.

Sirius is breathless when he pulls away, one hand caressing Remus' cheek, the other lying possessively on his hip. "Are you sure?"

Remus _wants_ to say many things, ranging from _I trust you_ to _I love you_ but somehow words do not seem to suffice and the only thing that comes out is, "Yes."

There is a moment of uncertainty and Sirius, looking uncharacteristically shy and younger than usual, doesn't seem to know how to go about this. Remus takes the chance to roll him over. And then they are snogging properly and Remus' hand finds its way to Sirius' arse and squeezes, eliciting a breathless gasp. A long-fingered hand around him, pulling slowly and skilfully, makes it Remus' turn to lose control over his breathing.

In the end it's better but strangely realer than Remus expected. Due to the unwonted position, Remus legs are cramping until he wraps them around Sirius, and yes, it hurts, despite the lube. It's a burning, stretching pain, an unfamiliar pressure that leaves Remus gasping for air and waiting tensely for the pain to subside, but it's not unbearable. He has closed his eyes until he feels Sirius' hand cupping his face. One single vein is standing out on Sirius' neck from the effort of holding still and giving Remus time to adjust.

"OK?" he asks, voice shaky. Remus nods, overwhelmed by their closeness and unsure whether this is something he will ever enjoy but then Sirius finally moves, slowly. "Oh," Sirius moans, eyes half-closed in ecstasy, and seeing him like this is definitely worth everything. A few more thrusts and the friction becomes less painful, more pleasurable. He doesn't mind when Sirius accelerates.

"Remus," breathes Sirius and leans closer. Their faces are only inches away and Remus can see tiny pearls of sweat on Sirius' forehead. So close but not close enough, the rhythmic motion preventing a proper kiss, and so it's more of a sharing of breath than a touching of their lips. Remus arches upwards, seeking more friction now, delicious heat building up inside him, incontrovertible and oh _so good_. He may have said that, he isn't sure, and he doesn't want it to end but there is no stopping now. Tumbling on the edge, he is almost falling and, groping blindly for a hold, he is tightening his grip on Sirius' back while speeding up his other hand, not knowing when he started touching himself; and then everything goes white and it doesn't stop, goes on and on, until he feels as though he spilt his entire soul.

Sirius is lying on top of him and they are both trembling in the aftermath of their release. The whole thing is rather prickly and sticky now but Remus feels ridiculously light-headed and blissed out.

He may regret it later, when he regains his composure and feels like it detracts from his dignity, but he loves Sirius and tells him so, silently and almost apologetically. Remus is being kissed then; a sweet and languorous kiss that tells him more than words. Wincing slightly when Sirius finally pulls away, he feels strangely disconnected and more than himself than before. They are both still the same, aren't they? But Sirius has changed, he is _his_ now and nobody can take it away from him, the sudden softness of Sirius skin against his own and the warm and fuzzy feeling inside his chest. They are uncomfortably sticky though.

"_Tergeo_!" Sirius has apparently found his wand and spells them clean, his voice not more than a sleepy and contented grunt. Remus hears the clicking sound of his wand colliding with the floor before Sirius falls back onto the bed next to Remus and snuggles up to him.

"Padfoot?"

"Hmm?"

"We should do that again some time," he says with a lazy smile and feels Sirius chucking against his neck. Long, elegant fingers are playing with the hair behind Remus' ears.

"Suppose we could," Sirius mumbles into the crook of his neck. And in a more sombre voice, "Did it hurt badly?"

"Not badly." It isn't a lie. The aching emptiness is more confusing, as if he lost something that belonged. _Sex is confusing_, Remus finds. He can't wait to do it again. If only he wasn't so tired…

* * *

Remus wakes squinting, the morning sun warm on his face. They forgot to draw the curtains close again. What he took for a pillow is Sirius' chest and turning awkwardly he finds that Sirius is wide awake and has obviously been watching him. 

"Did you know that you hum in your sleep? That's pretty weird, Moony. 's not proper talking or manly snoring." Sirius' smile is clearly cut into his face, the sun giving the illusion that he is shining from within. His head still rested on Sirius' chest, Remus feels his voice more than hearing it.

"Shut up. Too early for that," he complains. Their skin is warmed up from the sun shining brightly through the window. It's going to be a cold winter day. They could spend it inside.

"Have you noticed that the sky's bluer in winter?"

"No. Have you noticed that you're a royal pain in the arse in the morning?"

"I could leave you alone and go for a flight," suggests Sirius, the mirth in his eyes mocking the hurt tone of his voice. Remus lifting his head and tightening his grip in protest puts a rather daft smile on his face. Grinning, Remus nestles closer and wonders whether he has ever seen it there before. One of Sirius' hands is caressing his back with just the right touch of nails, eliciting comfy little noises from Remus' throat. The sunlight is back on his face, making him squint again. _Maybe Sirius is right_, he thinks, almost dozing off. The sky seems a little too bright.

In the end, it doesn't matter.

_Sometimes the sky's too bright,  
Or has too many clouds or birds,  
And far away's too sharp a sun  
To nourish thinking of him.  
Why is my hand too blunt  
To cut in front of me  
My horrid images for me,  
Of over-fruitful smiles,  
The weightless touching of the lip  
I wish to know  
I cannot lift, but can,  
The creature with the angel's face  
Who tells me hurt,  
And sees my body go  
Down into misery?  
No stopping. Put the smile  
Where tears have come to dry.  
The angel's hurt is left;  
His telling burns._

Fin

* * *

That's it. If you liked it, please take a minute and **review**!  



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